If Only
by Leigh Adam
Summary: Kara's been falling and falling after the Exodus, but Lee's too busy feeling hurt at her rejection of him to notice, until it's nearly too late.
1. Chapter 1

**Story Name:** If Only

**Author:** LelaKat

**Rating:** M for suicide themes

**Pairings: **Main focus is Kara/Lee but there are references to Kara/Sam, Sam/Other, Lee/Dee

**Summary:** Kara's been falling and falling in the aftermath of New Caprica. Lee's too hurt by her actions and her rejection to stop her before it's too late.

**Notes:** Just an idea I came up with, it can be a stand-alone/one-shot or a story start. It's un-betaed and any and all mistakes are mine and mine alone. And please tell me what you think.

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><p>Lee sat at his Commander's desk and looked at the stack of reports Kara had just dropped off. <em>No not Kara <em>his mind stubbornly corrected him, _Captain Thrace. _She'd also asked if she could talk to him personally but he'd pushed her away, he had every right to after all. While he couldn't deny she had been through hell on New Caprica she had a husband to talk to about all that stuff. Or at least she'd had a husband to talk to about that stuff provided the rumors about his affair during New Caprica. But to Lee, either way it didn't matter. He was not going to let _Captain Thrace_ frack with his head anymore.

Recognizing a nugget's flight eval she had accidentally mixed in with the rest of the rotation schedules he picked it up, have hoping he would run into someone to hand it off to down on the way to her office. He remembered she had always been doing that, various people from the ship shoving random pieces of paper at him with the only instruction of 'give this to Starbuck.' He'd ended up getting her an office, so the amount of things she lost was cut down drastically.

When no such person appeared in his doorway he sighed and got up. He'd have to do everything all by himself wouldn't he? Of course, he did everything for her, he'd given her the sun, the moon and the stars and how did she repay him? She married another man of course, rebuffed his love and expertly stomped all over his pride. Lee didn't understand, he had done everything right, given her everything Zak had talked about and a few other things he had known she would have liked. Lee simply didn't understand, any girl would have killed to get a guy who would yell out 'I love you' into the night and not care who heard him. But no, she had run off, and married another man of course. It had been over a year ago but his father thought it was funny to have her as his CAG, when questioned about it he just said he wanted her there. He also muttered something about human beings but Lee was too busy accepting the fact she was his CAG. All it was anyways was probably some stupid attempt to get them to work together again and be friends. Yeah right.

His shined boots went down the halls of his ship, still under repairs from the fight for New Caprica, on his way to her office he passed Showboat, the D-CAG who was discussing with one of the damage teams about the repairs to her bird who had taken some damage from a cylon scouting party the other day. He was grateful for it, it gave him a reason not to see her. "Can I speak with you Lieutenant?" his tone is neat and crisp and what he always mentally referred to as his 'Commander voice'. It made him realize just how often his father used to, and it was a perfect way to get out of situations you felt uncomfortable talking about. No wonder his father was so fond of it.

His question was not a real question. She would be spoken to by him no matter what happened. She said her goodbyes to the deck-man, after being told she ought to take Sunny's bird and her's would be ready by tomorrow, and looked at him wondering what this was about.

"Will you give this to your CAG for me?" He asked the young officer not even saying _her_ name, rank, or callsign. If he avoided her enough and the idea of her his feelings would probably go away and she would go away and it would all be solved. He would go as long as he could without thinking of Kara, because if he thought about her too much all he would want to do was storm to her cabin and convince her he loved her and that she loved him too. He'd get her to tell him all the reasons why, and he could fix all of her problems, instead of childishly watching her struggle with returning to the Battlestar life and only making it more difficult. He had made sure he could reference anything and everything that would get under her skin that he could, he'd been making her pay for the hell she'd put him through.

"With all due respect Sir, why don't you give it to her?" The pilots took _her _side in everything, no matter if she was right or not. At one point he was even questioning their loyalty to her, why were they so determined to back her instead of him? It was_ his_ ship, _his_ command, not her's. But inside him he knew, Starbuck had always been the heart and soul of the pilots. She was a familiar face and whether you liked her or hated her, her presence gave comfort. It meant that no matter how bad things got, no matter how terrible things seemed, she was there. She was strong, she was their hero. But it still irked him to know it.

"Because I need to get to CIC in a few minutes and don't have time to give it to her." He replied quickly and than Showboat smiled in a way that made him remember another pilot who had smiled at him the exact same way. Back when he was CAG and she was a pilot and she had caught him doing paperwork when he was supposed to be off-duty. Or when she beat everyone in triad and knew it. The sly upturning of the corners of her mouth was a thing that she owned, and was the best at. girl-friend Dee smiled, but nothing could compare to what she did. Lee sometimes hated her for it.

"Well, why don't I go with you since her office is on the way?" Showboat offered kindly, but knowing she had him trapped. Lee couldn't back out, he was not afraid of his CAG by any means and avoiding her would only serve to fuel gossipers who didn't have nearly enough shift work. He had no reason to be afraid of Kara. _Captain Thrace._ Unless of course she pulled him in again and he let himself get pulled in. Let himself think that she wasn't flirting with him because it was what she did but because she wanted his attention, wanted his eyes on her, wanted his arms to hold her._ Let himself think that she actually loved him the way he loved her.  
><em>

He nodded along with that, pulling himself down to the present, and they set down walking the corridors. Showboat had the papers in her hand and choose not to speak to him the entire journey. On another day it would bother him but not today, he had just had the largest verbal confrontation with _Captain Thrace _ since she had originally left the fleet for that stupid rock. Not much else could compare to that. It hadn't been much of a confrontation really, just him ranting at her and her not saying a word, just taken it. In all his years of knowing her he'd never seen her react to a fight that way, just sat there, passively, done nothing to stop the onslaught.

He should have realized in hindsight there was something wrong but he was so determined to hurt her, to make her suffer, feel pain like he had when she'd run from him. He'd cried for her, he was not a man of showing emotions but he was upset. He was angry, what had Samuel had they Lee hadn't? what made him so special? And bitterness, was this his punishment for falling in love with his baby brother's girlfriend the second he laid eyes on her?

The pilot and commander approached the office where that, that woman, was and the people in the corridor, just a marine and another off duty pilot froze. The sound of a gunshot had cracked the relative silence of the hall, quiet, but loud enough to be heard. It took Lee less than second to realize the gunshot was a small arms weapon and that it had come from Kara's office. There was nothing else in this hall-way, nothing of interest anyways. Something in his gut told him Kara was in danger, sometimes it felt like a sixth sense. It was how they always saved the other in a battle.

"Get Medics, now!" he barked at the other pilot who took off full speed to follow the order his Commander gave him and slid his key-card through the slot on the side of the doorway and the doors opened with a hiss like someone drawing a breath. Darting in the room the second he could get in the door, he took in the scene. Before him in the middle of the floor was Kara bleeding from her stomach, exact same spot she had been shot when she went on that stupid trip to Caprica for the arrow, part of his mind piped up but there was the gun in her hand.

It came together in a snap with terrible clarity, Kara'd tried to kill herself. Ignoring the Marine's word of caution about how it could have been a set up he moved to her side and looked at her, hands pressing to her wound to try and stop the bleeding. Lee scrambled and pulled his jacket off to cover her up, and Showboat and the marine had run for an emergency first aid kit. Kara's eyelids flickered and all Lee could do beside press his hands onto the wound was he whisper comforting things about how it was all going to be okay.

"Hold me Lee?" She whispered softly, not able to do much else. She was dying, she knew it and he knew it, but he didn't want to face it. Couldn't face the idea that she would die. Doing as he was asked he still kept his hands pressed to the wounds and drew her tight against him as though it would be able to stop the bleeding through that alone. It wouldn't, but if it comforted her and helped them get her stabilized he'd do it. Even in the circumstance, his mind noted it felt right to hold her, even if it was only because she was bleeding.

Her eyelids threatened to close and Lee kept on telling her to keep them open, to hang on, keep on fighting another day. As usual she didn't listen to him, whether it was because she wouldn't or just didn't want to was an entirely different matter." Love you Lee." she said quietly, he was only just close enough to hear her despite his closeness to her. "Love you so much." Her lids shut closed, leaving her tear-stained face pale, looking more like death than she did life.

She looked like had been crying herself and he kept on telling her it would be okay even though she wasn't awake to hear him. She would make it through, she was_ Starbuck_ for frack's sake. She could do anything, she had survived a nuclear holocaust, she had survived that moon, she had survived Caprica and the farm on it, she had survived Admiral Cain, she had survived a return trip to Caprica, she had survived New Caprica, she would survive this. _She had to._

The medics took her from him and put her on the gunnery and they worked on her while she is taken to sickbay where the Pegasus Doctors are premed and waiting. He doesn't go to CIC and though his girlfriend calls for him over the intercom to go to CIC, he doesn't answer it, just leaving his Ex-O in charge by default. It's stupid, reckless and irresponsible, but Lee doesn't care. The woman he loves is in there. A few minutes later the Admiral and Doctor Cottle arrive and Cottle darts into Operating while his father waits outside with Lee, not saying a word, their expression of sadness and regret mirrored on each other's faces.

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><p>It's been hours now and neither of them have heard a word. Lee knows that it's normal, but he can't stop the unease flowing through every fiber of his core. Helo stops by and asks how she's doing, while both Adama men just shake their heads. Helo understands, he feels it too, Lee had seen how in the euphoria of getting Sharon freed Kara's time with her best friend had dwindled into nothing. Not even a nurse had said anything about what's going on, though they dart in and out of the room frequently. Lee doesn't want to let himself contemplate what that news means.<p>

Helo has to go soon, being the Galactica Ex-O but can wait with them for a while. There's something about Helo that is comforting. Lee doesn't pay too much attention to him besides the fact he's there, his mind has only been able to replay the scene that had happened only hours earlier. He can't stop thinking about it, wrapped up in guilt and shame.

_Lee had been in his office and Kara had tentatively came in her Blues holding the flight roster for this week and the week after, walking as though it was her execution, though with their conversations lately, or rather what he'd said, it might as well could be. Her handwriting is painstakingly neat and Lee notes for a moment it's better than his is. Her green eyes are a mystery to him and she seems like she'd been on a constant edge lately, but now even more so, she was cornered, only instead of behaving like cat and coming out with claws, it was as though she'd been turned into a mouse.  
><em>

_She carefully set the papers in their allotted pile on his organized desk and waits a minute until he remarks cold and bitter, ice layering every word. "Need something Captain?" She noticeably flinches at his tone he notes with some small satisfaction, let her be afraid, let her feel rejected like he did.  
><em>

_"I was wondering if I can talk to you Sir." Her voice is small as though she's five years old and sure isn't Starbuck or even a professional manner. He knows her well enough to know when she is being Kara, unguarded, undefended Kara, the vulnerable person he had only seen glimpses he'd never seen this much of this side of her and he's tempted to get out of his seat, take her in his arms, and hold her until she tells him everything that is giving her problems so he can fix it. But he doesn't, he just keeps a cool icy glare of a jilted man, and gives her no comfort. No escape, the cruel part of him that wants her to feel like he did is taken full advantage of the fact her weakness are on display, and only drawing more attention to them.  
><em>

_He keeps on glaring at her, letting her know she has no sympathy from him, and she took a step back without realizing it. "There a problem with the pilots Captain?" he knows she doesn't want to talk about anything to do with their jobs but will run with the idea anyways. He had already he would never forgive her for New Caprica. _

_His cool professionalism wasn't that of a Commander, it was of a rejected man with a wounded pride but he didn't care the least she could do was feel some of the pain she had caused. _

_"It's a personal matter." She said looking like she wants to bolt out the door and having second thoughts about even bringing it up. Good. He'd had no one to talk to about his problems with her, she shouldn't either.  
><em>

_"Are you pregnant? Is that what you are trying to say, you got knocked up and you need someone to take your job for you?" he demands from her coldly and tears enter her eyes at his harsh words and assumptions and his obvious refusal to help her. He knows children are a sore spot with her, he's pieced together enough to have a general idea from little comments and things she'd said. She looks so lost, so haunted it takes every amount of self control he has to not drop the facade he has created and run from his desk and scoop her up and hold her close._

_"No sir-" she began but he cut her off. _

_"Well than I don't have time to listen to your personal problems. Nor do I care about whatever problems they may be. So unless they affect you getting your lazy ass out of bed in the morning and doing your job with a modicum of talent the job requires than I suggest you save your discussion for your husband." the words left this mouth, bring up Sam, who'd gone after another woman after getting her declared dead and their marriage nulled within a month or so of her disappearance. He knows she'd had confidence issues, it was why she bucked authority, if they thought she couldn't do it they wouldn't ask her to so she wouldn't miss up.  
><em>

_She looks like she can't believe he just said that and he can't either. But he can't let her know he cares, she'll just rip his heart out and stomp all over it again. He glares at her pointedly and she slinks out of the office her long hair falling into her face to hide what he suspects are tears. _

_He has never made her cry, not that he knows about anyways. He'd gotten close but never to the point where tears were actually shed and the other knew and saw them. It's scary knowing he has this kind of power over her, but it's only the same one she has over him.  
><em>

_Lee wants to run after her, say he's sorry and he wants nothing more than to listen. To make her understand he truly does care about her. But he can't, he can't face the possibility of being rejected again. So he sits in his office and waits, until he noticed the stray piece of paper._

It kept playing over and over in his mind, the fact the last words he could have told were in anger and hate and spite. That she could possibly die not knowing he loved her, that she was more than someone he had slept with once and more than his dead little brother's fiancee. She was more than all those things she been told and made to believe, she was beautiful, amazing, brilliant, smart, sexy, an awe-striking pilot. She wasn't a throw-away, a waste, a slut, a stupid mistake, or any of that. And now maybe she'd never know.

_Gods why hadn't he told her he loved her?_ He had told her it would be okay, she would make it despite the wound but never anything about how Lee Adama loved Kara Thrace more than life itself.

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><p>Note: So tell me what you think! This is the first time I've ever really written LeeKara so any critique or help with characters is valued and appreciated.


	2. Chapter 2

Alright, here it is, I don't have a beta and tried to edit best I could but there are probably a few mistakes in there, please stick with me on that. If I catch them I'll try and fix them.

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><p>Cottle leaves the room, his expression haggard and tired. Both Adamas are on their feet within seconds, the entire world ceasing to exist as they round on the white-haired doctor who had a habit of performing medical miracles. Various medical people follow after him, looking just as tired and exhausted. He glances down at his watch and realizes she'd been in there hours.<p>

It had been hard to wait and give them space to work; he'd heard yelling sometimes, and times of silence too. Both scared him in equal measures of terribleness. Both had different consequences, both of them had not good. Yelling meant complications, and silence meant they might have lost her beyond saving.

It's his father who speaks up first "How is she?" The room seems to stop and Lee knows somewhere inside his soul, his life is hinged on that question. Kara had always been there and he for her. _Except for now _his mind smirked nastily sounding suspiciously like a male cylon who'd been rumored to have held her on New Caprica you_ abandoned her and she simply couldn't deal with it. _

"It's close. I've got her in isolation as I don't want to run the risk of infection. Anything, even the wrong jolt could probably kill her. She didn't manage to kill herself, but she got pretty damn close."

"So where do we go from here?" Lee asked, unsure on what to do next. He felt like he needed a map, someone to tell him what to do, how to act, a manual, just something, anything to help fix this.

"I don't know." Cottle answered, his dark eyes staring at him from under shaggy white eyebrows. "She's got some sedatives which will take a while to wear off but when she wakes up..." He trails off and Lee feels shame fill his entire being. He drove her over the edge, whatever happened to her, he'd been the final straw. He'd pushed her over.

"Let's focus on getting her to trust you, if she was left to her own devices, she'd try this again. Have no doubts. Now get the frack out of sick-bay, you have battlestars to run."

Lee walks hollowly out of the room, coming face to face with the entire squadron. He knows he ought to say something reassuring, nice, and comforting and whatnot, but he can't muster words. He buries his head in his hands and sits in the nearest chair and stays there for a very long time.

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><p>It's been days and she still hasn't woken up yet. Cottle can't explain it. Apparently she'll wake up when she's damn ready to wake up, Lee presses for a date but Cottle looks at him sadly. Bad sign.<p>

"In her documents it says she doesn't want to be kept alive by machines. So next week when the time runs out-" Cottle starts with his father standing nearby.

"Over-rule it." Lee cuts him off. They can't talk about her that way, like she's an it, a thing, not the woman he loves more than anything. They are supposed to fix her, make her Kara again, not the broken, barely-breathing body on the hospital bed.

"But-"

"In the standard operating procedure, it states a commanding officer has the power to ask for more time on the patient." Lee states matter of fact, hiding behind the rules, regulations, and the perfection of systems and being a high achiever like he always has. His Father's face is the same mask Lee can never read, and has been told multiple times it is the same one he wears. Cottle looks more disgruntled than usual and goes off to do as he is told. Everyone knew Cottle doesn't like being bossed around.

Before he goes back over to monitor Kara he looks Lee straight in the eye. "You can't just accept that maybe it might be her time." It's not a question, it's a statement. Lee knows he is right, his emotion is clouding his judgment, something he normally hates. But this is Kara dammit.

But if he accepted that maybe it was Kara's time to pass on, as cruel as her final moments had been, then she dies not knowing how much she is loved, cared for, admired, all the pilots on both ships had made her some things, little cards and the like, and they placed them on her besides, even Kat seemed a little lost with her mentor to face off with. The pattern was off, the world was spinning around and around, not knowing how to react when one of its key players was missing.

The Silence had followed him around since the first news of it happened, he avoided people at all costs, a hard feat to manage being a Battlestar commander, throwing himself in work and when he wasn't there, he was in sick-bay by her side.

"No I can't." Lee answers "People like her don't die this way." Cottle walks off muttering about the foolishness of love-struck idiots but Lee knows he is right. People like them go out in blazes of glory, or with friends and family around them at an old age, one or the other, no other options. This change in the story isn't supposed to happen, things aren't supposed to be this way.

Cottle stops and looks back at him. "Son if she hasn't woken up by now, I suggest you go find a good picture." And before Lee can answer him the doctor walks out of the room. Lee has some pictures of her, but they aren't for the memorial wall, Kara doesn't belong there. Lee opens and closes his mouth and than tiredly rubs his face with his hands, no, don't think of her being on that wall.

His Father looks him over, his normally crisp blue uniform wrinkled, his face is pale and he hasn't eaten since, a long time ago he knew that much. "Go get some sleep. And eat. Starving yourself isn't going to do her any good." Somewhere Lee is aware of the sad-tinged words that layer his father's voice and realizes his father has his own regrets. Lee doesn't know what they are, doesn't much care, they can't be as bad as his own sins. It's his fault, he drove her there, he could have easily pulled the trigger.

And for that he'll never forgive himself.

He makes it to his quarters, which are decidedly unfamiliar and finds his girlfriend waiting by the door. He realizes what she is now, just a distraction, it's just proof his actions drove a frightened woman to flee from him. She looks angry and Lee can't for the life of him imagine why. It's not her soul mate and love of his life the Gods are cruelly trying to take away.

"You fracking bastard." She starts as he gets close enough. Several pilots stop but Lee doesn't care. This is going to happen one way or another, and he would rather have it now than later, and if his crew has entertainment instead of old boring videos to play in the officer's rec room good for them.

"I am tired of this. You get all mopey over this slutty pilot who we are all better off without. Face it Lee, Life is easier without her, she's not here to wreck everything up, like she always does. Remember when she shot you, she didn't even enter your room, she just sat outside like a waste of space. I've half a mind to go to Life station and unplug all her circuits myself." she's hissing and fuming and Showboat looks like she wants to hit her. Lee certainly wouldn't stop her.

"You don't get to talk about her that way. Kara is everything to me, I didn't know it than but I do now. It's always been her, I was just too much of a coward to admit it" Lee is calm and simple, and suddenly wishes his rack was right there, and he could just fall asleep on it right now.

Dee leaves fuming, she pivots on her heel and stomps away. Lee, unable to help himself, calls out "Bye Anastasia." He knows she hates her first name, and his use of it earns him a glare. It's small revenge but he realizes now Dee is not a person he can be with. The pilots are clapping enthusiastically startling him a bit.

"So say we All Sir." Triton calls and Lee is finally aware he has done something right. For once in the past couple days. People buzzing begin to disperse, no doubt going to bring the story to the entire ship.

"She was reaching a point." Showboat remarks absentmindely to her pilots. "Thank the Gods Starbuck isn't awake because Dee would have certainly gone down there and made her feel worse. You know how she is."

This is news to Lee. "Explain this to me," he orders moving in their circle, they look like his own pilots did when they were caught gossiping about something they probably shouldn't be. When he is greeted by silence, an unwritten pact between them I don't tell/You don't tell. "Well is there a volunteer?"

"Dualla would go in the officer's rec room, pilot briefings and harass Go-, the CAG Sir." a nugget speaks up and is instantly silenced from saying more by glares from the pilots. Lee is intrigued. He's never heard this.

"And why wasn't I informed?" Truth be told he probably wouldn't have done anything, but it is Standard procedure and if they broke this who knew what else they were breaking. The Commander in Lee is out full form, Tired, drawn, wanting to curl up and cry a few years Lee is pushed into the back of his head. As he had been pushed before. Duty comes first.

"The CAG said she could handle it. Besides, there was no point, you wouldn't have gotten off your lazy fat ass to do anything anyways" Kat remarks coolly, albeit boldly. _Since when did Kat defend Kara?_ His mind questions but right now he just wants answers. Before he can demand them the pilots move off, he'd thought he had an insight to the world of his and his Dad's pilots, but it seems to have diminished with his position of a desk job. Or they still see him as someone against their favorite hotshot. Either way, he won't get answers standing around.

He'll do some investigation tomorrow, right now he opens his door, locks the hatch, and collapses on his bed. Sleep takes him quickly, but it's not peaceful.

_He's the Captain of a boat, on a sea or lake or something. A storm to rival some of Caprica's worst thunder storms takes place and Lee desperately explores the boat, there is no one else aboard. Or so he thought._

_Turning the corner clutch the rail is Kara's figure, long blonde hair flying everywhere in the wind. Her knuckles white, clinging to the bar as the wind buffets her gusts strongly try to pull her off the boat. Lee moves towards her and she sees him, green eyes terrorified of the storm._

_The water is behaving strangely, waves that weren't strong earlier rock their boat back and forth, so violent Lee has to cling to the rail himself to stay upright. Horrified, the two watch the ocean waters swirl in waves, coming higher and higher, wetting them both even more than the torrential rain. Thunder and lightening light up the otherwise dark sky the onslaught growing stronger and stronger as second wear on._

_He fights his way closer to her side. Somehow he knows if he gets to her she'll be okay. It's that thing in dreams, you have a directive but don't know why, he just does it, but the closer he gets the harder the journey is and Kara's mouth is moving, he can't hear her words over the storm but he knows she is begging him for help. _

_The waves finally manage to swallow her as he gets to her side, hands clinging to the bar, defying the wind and water so desperate to sink her. All he has to do is reach out, take her hands and pull her up. But Lee can't, his body can't move and she's pleading with him to save her but Lee still can't move forward. One more gust rocks the ship and it's enough to let the water swallow her, his hand is finally able to reach out but catches air, he knows he's too late. His eyes search desperately for her figure but she doesn't surface. _

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><p>Notes: I know, real life has unfortunately gotten in the way of updating, but I hope you all like this one. Again, thanks for reading.<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

Lee's still by her bedside, a full week later, holding Kara's still hand and looking at her pale barely breathing figure. _I did this to her _he realizes in shame, for the millionth time this week. He waits for Cottle to come back, holding her cold hand to the side of his unshaven face wishing and pleading with all those things he had never really believed in to take pity on the pair of them and to just fix her already. Maybe having the callsign of a God might mean something to them, he'd gladly trade himself for her if that was what it took. He just wanted her awake again.

Cottle has his trademark cigarette, clamped in between his lips who have turned themselves up into their usual scowl. He stalks over to the anxious commander, who would rather jump every 33 minutes for a few days rather than be told the news Cottle might be about to deliver to him.

"She should be awake." Cottle gruffs, taking her sleeping, comatose form, almost personally. He knows it has to be frustrating for the physician, to not be able to do anything for her and not know what is wrong, "All I can say is she'll be ready to wake up when she feels like it."

"Do you have a guess?" Lee asks, numb inside. Kara might never wake up, she meant to die, to leave the universe, what if she stays like this forever? What if the only thing holding her back from moving on is his stubborn refusal to let go? He entertains the notion for a bit, her and Zak could be happy wherever it was people ended up. What if the only thing keeping her here was his inability to let her be happy, he had certainly caused enough damage. He dismissed it as being crazy, and due to his lack of sleep but maybe.

"No." Cottle answers, grounding him to the now, before looking over her charts in silence for a few minutes and than leaving the curtained off area, leaving Lee to silence and almost silent machines.

"Gods Kara I never meant to hurt you." He knows she isn't awake to hear him, but he hopes somewhere it'll sink in and she'll know it. He's started to do it, talk as though she can hear him, in his head, in the privacy of his office, when he thinks no one is listening. Someone must have found out though. Sympathetic eyes follow their commander, who can still run the ship, but whose heart is no longer in it. Everyone is on tip-toe around him, and whispers follow him everywhere. He'd bear much more, if it meant Kara would wake up.

"I was just so stupid, and angry and thinking back to all those times I tried to make you mine and lost you it just made me angry, I wasn't good enough to be there when you needed me, it's not your fault please come back." There's no response, not that Lee had expected one, but still, a tiny part of him still hoped. She has to hear him, somewhere, down there, deep inside her mind that is only doing vital functions.

"I was so angry that night, but I really thought you loved me Kara. I needed to hear you say it, Life felt so complete, so good. I felt on top of the world that night, you had to have felt the same way, why did you leave, why did this happen, why couldn't I listen to you?" He doesn't move for a long time, just holding her hand while his eyes try to cry but he's run out of tears.

The sound of shift change and Cottle peeks his head in the curtains. "You've reached your daily quota. Get the hell out of my sickbay." Lee leaves, after the first time Cottle threatening to call the marines to forcibly remove him and the promise of a painful physical with revocation of flight status, he had stopped fighting it aft6er he extracted the usual promise of if even one machine makes a strange beep he'll be told as soon as it happens.

Lee's spent some time flying whenever he can recently, trying to get back in the world of pilots, but mainly just to feel her. Get the ghost of the feel of her flying on his wing, ready to have his back when he needed it. Just like wingman should. _Only he hadn't had her back_. It doesn't work, and only makes him miss her more but he does it anyway, self punishment, flying endless silent CAPs, no chatter whatsoever to fill the time, no gossip about this or that on a private channel, only jokes the two of them understood. Just angry bleak silence, screaming her absence.

Stumbling around the ship, he only does one shift in CIC for now, he doesn't think he can stand much more, and his Ex-O, understands having lost a significant other to a battle wound and not being allowed to stay with them under Cain's iron thumb. He knows it is shirking his work but he just can't function and he can argue he is more of a danger than a help. He ends up by her office, the hallways empty now that shifts have started.

No one has been in there since that day, when, well, that day. He keys in the code, sudden desire to be among her things spurring him on. Stepping in he realizes someone cleaned up the blood, but everything else is untouched. A desk only organized to the person using it.

It's the little things that get to him, an old photo of the three of them, him, Zak, and Kara playing pyramid, his brother holding Kara in his arms, the luckiest man alive. There's a drawing of himself, he realizes with a start, blue eyes colored in the perfect shade, staring intensely at the papers in front of him in the picture, his officer blues neat as usual. There's his father there too, along with another photo of Zak. A music chip here and there with someone else's messy handwriting making out what it is, some kind of piano piece. A book or two, strewn in among the papers and pens and office clutter.

Lee lets his hands run over the papers, the jacket hanging on the back of her chair, feeling her presence as though she is standing right next to him, her breath on his neck. Just by being here he feels closer to her, as though she is still here somehow.

There are things that still don't make sense to him, why his pilots hated Dee, why Kat was convinced he wouldn't have done anything about it, why she did what she did. Didn't she know that all these people on these two battle stars needed her? Didn't Kara now all of humanity needed her? Didn't she know that love or hate her presence was required, whispered along with great deeds of heroism and saving the fleet again and again? Didn't she know people loved her?

He methodically goes through her things, when finished he carefully puts it back so it looks undisturbed. As if any minute she is going to bust through that door and punch him in the face for daring to go through her stuff without her present to show it to him. There's not much to the papers really, just reports, nugget evals and other things he was yelling at her to give him a week ago. In a drawer he finds a couple of drawings, one of a little girl with blue eyes and light blond hair with an adorable smile on her face. Lee wonders what inspired her to draw it. He's certain she doesn't go around children much, if ever, something she has avoided and something he never pressed.

Shifting tactics he goes to the living quarters. Yes it is low but he needs to feel her, sense her again. The bed is still slightly rumpled, bed made almost but not entirely, in the Kara way. He picks up a sweatshirt strewn across the pillow and smells it, and it smells just like her. Soap, Lemons, and something that just says Kara Thrace to his senses, the smell he committed to memory. He hopes she doesn't mind if he keeps it for a while, it smells like her and that comforts him more than anything else has lately.

He looks through her things, feeling bad about invading her privacy but anything that will help him understand is worth it right? At the bottom of her closet he is about to give up when he catches the sight of something under something else.

They're notebooks. And they were pretty well hidden, some of them don't have writing but one of them is almost full and another bound book has stuff in it. He opens the one with less content and discovers it is a sketchbook. Flipping through the pictures he realized what a good artist she was and how he had never told her. He needed to when he saw her next. Than his mind reminded her she wasn't here or awake right now, each time that happened it hurt just like the sound the gunshot had.

He sees the little girl again, this time with a caption underneath simply saying Kacey. There are darker pictures there too, Leoben is there more than once, though he doesn't study those, a mandala, Himself is there, Zak and his father, stars, vipers, a planet with fluffy blue clouds, nebulas. Music notes and star charts. They are all there,

He moves over to the notebook and sits on the floor by her bed, next to a pair of her shoes and still clutching her jacket around him as he opens the book. He opens it to the 1st entry, vowing to take them one day at a time for each day Kara is asleep or until she wakes up. Maybe it will help him feel like she is with him.

_Day after the Exodus,_

_ After everything, I am still sitting on this stupid bunk that used to belong to someone who died. Maybe Starbuck four months ago could have done it but I can't. Not after everything. I found these old notebooks by the way, one is my sketch book I still had from a while ago and the rest were left here. I ought to turn them in but not right now. I just need to say something to someone. I ought to not be allowed to have words, but still it is better than saying them aloud.  
><em>

_ Things are so fracked up. I find Sam only to see him lip-locked with some other women only explaining, she makes me happy before leaving me there. What about me? Wasn't I ever good enough? I know I wasn't, hell everyone does, but I thought, maybe, hell I don't know what I thought. He certainly moved on, Laura saw and seemed sorry but I ran away from her, I didn't need her pity or her looking at me too closely. Maybe she'd see the damages. _

_ And I'm not Kacey's mom, she found her real mom and went with her, leaving me standing there. Everyone was all happy and hugging and embracing and then there's me. Just standing there, not belonging. I should have been left on the planet, I don't deserve to be here yet here I am. I waved briefly at Chief before going to go hide in a dark corner. _

_ Lee came and found me earlier, and I had thought maybe that he would still care, just a little bit, I was clearly wrong. He looks like he wants to airlock me and wishes I was left behind too and I can't blame him. He just tells me to get up and report to the CAG in 24 hours. Why they are making me report to the CAG again I don't know. Surely in this last bit of humanity there is someone more qualified for this then me. I'm a nothing. _

_ So here I am. With someone else's job, and alone. Mama always said I wasn't worth loving, and I guess I'd thought she was wrong. I was so stupid, I let myself think she was, but she really was right. Maybe the only thing that could love me is a machine, No one is here, my husband is probably having sex for the fifth time celebrating him and his girl's escape to Galactica, Lee and Dee are probably snuggled up somewhere, the Admiral is probably wondering how to best get rid of me being I left the fleet and he wasn't happy about it. Kacey and her real mom are probably somewhere playing birds, singing songs, and playing. _

_ Why am I here? Why after everything, am I still here? _

The temptation to read on is strong but Lee forces himself to close the book, shutting the closet to preserve her smell and tucking the books under his arms. He will take them back to his quarters and put them out of sight, knowing if he doesn't he will spend hours just reading them again and again, hearing her voice in his head, talking to him.

Kara thought she was this Kacey's mom? How did that happen, and he had heard about Sam, but even that was cold. He had always assumed it happened later. He remembers that encounter now, having stumbled upon her by accident surprising him. She looked like a deer caught in a headlight, but he hadn't paid her any mind. He'd gone back to using rank and higher status to tell her in no uncertain terms where they stood and what she was supposed to do.

If he had done something else then would things be better now? Would she be awake? What if he had realized she was hurting and soothed her pain, what if he had helped her instead of cutting her down? A machine's love, what the heck did that mean? A bad feeling settled in the pit of his stomach, did it have anything to do with Leoben? He locks the door to her room, setting the pass code to something else only he knows, Zak's birthday. He won't take the chance someone would be as disrespectful to steal her stuff.

The thoughts preoccupy him until he runs into his father while wandering the halls. "Admiral sir." He mutters lamely, knowing he is running late for a shift he had decided earlier to do, he had just got stuck with Kara's things and couldn't leave and.

"I've been looking everywhere for you Lee." This isn't the Admiral he is dealing with. Lee doesn't know who it is. He doesn't really know, having never seen this side of his father. Son follows farther wordless till they get to Lee's own office, the shift he was supposed to go on all forgotten now. They pause outside the room, the elder Adama regarding the younger, still clutching Kara's jacket and her books, the dark brown eyes in the weathered face unreadable.

"Do you have time to hear and old man's sins against his child Lee?"

* * *

><p>These updates will take longer than usual, being it isn't my first priority fic and I'm still not sure exactly where this will end up, but thank you for taking the time to read it and going on this journey with me, it means a lot that someone clicks on my story. And as always if you have any critique or commentary tell me what you think.<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

Lee doesn't know what to say to his father's question so he nods along mute. Whatever sins they were, they couldn't be compared to his own, could they? Maybe his father had a hand in this more than Lee. It is a futile hope, Lee has the proof he pushed her over, there is no doubt about that. His father played a minor role in this, of that Lee is sure.

They sit on the couch and Lee silently goes over to the cabinet where he hides his stash of decent alcohol, to pour a glass of something strong. Just a hunch he has that he'll need it. With everything he has started to learn, he only knows things get more twisted, convoluted, and Kara was going to kill him if she found out he had decided to read her diary of sorts. But they needed to know, and that was the only thing they had as Kara wouldn't be too happy to share it seemed.

But she'd tried to talk to him, taken a leap he had never seen Kara do and try to open up to someone, someone she had viewed as despite everything would still be there for her. And he'd broken it, he had shattered her trust and shattered her. He should have listened to his gut that it wasn't a trick to get him back, she really needed him, and logic should have seen that. But his feeling of bitter hurt had led him to hurt her back, far more than was fair.

"I did a horrible thing Lee." His father confessed, and Lee doesn't say anything. Can't say anything, he just sits there like a small kid again, letting a parent do the talking, hanging on to his item of security, Kara's jacket, her scent giving him comfort for what he is about to hear.

"She had been acting out so badly with Saul, I told her she had no place in my family anymore and she was no daughter of mine." The words are spoken with revulsion, and Lee gets angry inside. How could his father have done that to her, disown her, let her fend her own way when she seemed to have needed them the most? But then again, who is he to judge?

"I kicked her out of her chair, gave her responsibility as CAG to help get her in line, and sent her away. I told her she could shape up or ship out. I never gave her a choice Lee, why is it I kill my children?" The older Adama, who Lee had always looked at with fear and admiration for his ability to not be shaken, appeared to break down in front of his very eyes.

Lee takes another sip of his cup, "We both did horrible things." he remarks finally, and it's that that weighs on his soul. A black mark for each hurtful comment, a tick mark for every snide and childish action, which can only be erased by the woman they were aimed at. She has to wake up; for Lee knows without certainty he'd follow her into the blackness, if only to beg her forgiveness for his actions.

"They say I help keep humanity alive another day, but how can I do that if I hurt one of the people that matters the most to me so much?" His father pleads, and Lee isn't sure what he can say to the man in front of him. He'd never seen his father this way, so he simply lets him talk. "She was my chance after Zak, a redemption of sorts and now I've hurt her beyond what I ever hurt you or Zak."

Lee tries to comfort him. "She has to be okay." he says to no one in particular and for a long time, father and son sit side by side, trying to reassure themselves. And then the phone rings.

* * *

><p>When Kara comes to be, she is standing in sick bay. All around her doctors and nurses are swarming around, doing this or that, she sees Cottle and is slightly confused, why is Cottle on the Pegasus? But she dismisses it as odd, maybe someone needed checking over or something, or a surgery that required more than one person.<p>

But the question of why she is here isn't answered, last thing she remembered was a gunshot and Lee Adama's arms. Turning around she finds Zak Adama sitting in chair, the only person here who has noticed her presence at all really.

"Zak!" she cries out, though it's more of a sob really, her mind says it could a trick but she doesn't care, the first and sometimes she's wondered, if he was the only, man to ever love her is there again. He stands up, officers' blues around his muscled frame, and she falls right into his arms. He smells the same as she last remembered, Pine and something she can only call Rain, and nothing has changed about him. She had felt safe, truly felt safe, for the first time in his embrace, nothing could touch her there.

She pulled back again and looked him over, "Zak am I dead?" and he shakes his head, regarding her in that way that pierced her soul with his blue eyes, warm and gentle and full of love. Kara had teased him about it, the running joke was if she looked at them too long she would start to do whatever those eyes told her to do.

"No, but I am. You're somewhere in between."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"It means you have a choice."

A choice, to die or stay here? If that's the case she knows what her choice is. It's the same one she made earlier. She wants to get away from it, away from the suffocating world where she isn't loved. She had been not loved by anyone before, but it was so much harder to be unloved now after you had been loved. Kacey too, her requests to make sure the little girl was okay would have to be checked eventually due to the sheer number she had filled, the little girl perhaps the only thing that had kept her going this long. She was ready to leave, she wanted to leave, maybe there she would find some measure of peace.

"Before you fully choose I have something to show you." Zak takes her hand and guides her over to a room in sick-bay, one of the critical or more private rooms, depending on what was going on in the battlestar. He pushes back the curtain and pulls her back into his embrace, the scent of Zak Adama continuing to wash over her, security flowing from him into her.

It's her on the bed. Kara doesn't know what to make of it, all pale, attached to at least six machines. But it isn't the main thing that shocks her, it's Lee that confuses her. His hair is longer than she thinks she's ever seen it, his clothes are not ironed to perfection, and he looks extremely thin. his face is tired and worn and his blue eyes that match his brothers are dull with the lack of sleep.

She's shocked into silence, the Lee here is holding her hand to his cheek, body shaking and while he apologizes, begging her to wake up. She's confused, he wanted her gone, he would airlock her, but that isn't the angry Lee that is in front of her now. He's sad and scared, and she can't imagine why, he was going to get what he wanted right?

Zak is rubbing small circles on her back and breathing in the scent of her hair, just watching the scene with sadness on his features. "He loves you you know. Even when you were mine; he loved you." Kara shook her head. Lee love her? No. Zak loved her, she had thought Lee loved her once, how horribly wrong she had been.

"Even if he did, after what Leoben did, after what I did, he wouldn't want anything to do with me." she said decidedly, knowing inside that people always left you and that maybe with the exception of the man next to her who like her wasn't really there, no one had loved Kara Thrace. No one should either.

"How do you know he won't?" Zak queried and she can only shake her head. "See you don't." he pointed out in the same way he had used to introduce her into the world that she had never had. Once he learned she had never been to a zoo he had insisted on taking her, and a whole bunch of other places Kara had never gotten to go as a little girl. She had protested at first, but had grown to love it. It was one of the reasons she had loved him so much.

She tries to protest but Zak cuts her off again. "Kara if he cares enough to have been by your bedside days on end he'll stick there with you, as his brother give him a chance to be happy." His blue eyes implore her and she can never say no to a pair blue eyes, especially the Adama version of them.

"But what if he leaves?"

"What if he doesn't?" Zak is unshakable, and she sighs, leaning her head on his shoulder, giving in. Maybe she would almost kill herself more often if it meant she got to see him more. It wasn't a bad idea really, no worse than any other harebrained scheme she'd thought up before. If she got to see Zak it made it worth it, maybe she could express how sorry she was, and they could be happy and.

"No Kara." Zak's read her mind as he closes his eyes and sighs, seeming frustrated. He seems lost in thought for a few minutes and she can only wonder how much more she can screw up. Even dead people don't want to be around her.

"Let me explain this to you Kara. I am like a guardian spirit, or whatever you want to call me. I can only slightly tweak human events, nothing to major, a raider's trajectory a couple degrees so it misses, or slow down a bullet. I watch over the people I care about." He looks wistful and sad and pulls a lock of long blonde hair she needs to cut from her face. "The fact you can see me means I have a purpose now, I'm here to help you get through New Caprica and to do that you need to wake up. I was there Kara, I know what happened," he broke himself off and gathered a breath. "And I don't judge you, neither will Lee or my father. I only wish I could have done more than I can."

"But I don't want to wake up." She said, waking up meant facing things she would rather forget, and it meant this was just a dream, that Zak was never here or anything.

"I'll be there, I don't know if you can see me or if there would be a way to let you know," he admitted, looking off to the side lost in a thought before his gaze was back on her "But I'll be there with you. Every step, and Lee and my father will too." He radiates confidence, a sense of finality and Kara finds herself believing him.

He takes her hand, but she pulls away a bit, she's not done yet. "Zak about passing you, I" And he breaks her off with a finger to her lips and shakes his head. Zak gently cradles her face in his hand and looks almost sad. It occurs to her he must have been lonely all these years, with no one to talk to, and having to watch and not do anything to change the events.

"In the past, and there is nothing to forgive." he gently pulls her hand back towards her room and she knows she is going to go back. " I love you Kara, you need to remember that. Always remember that."

Before she can return the sentiment her world is black again and she can't feel anything else, the last memory she has the smell of pine and rain, and a hand hanging on to her's.

* * *

><p>Lee and his father are waiting anxiously outside the door and Lee is fighting a child-ish urge to tell the Doctor 'I-told-you-so' while being nervous for seeing Kara. Will she remember the office? How will she react to seeing him? Can he make her believe she is sorry? His mind is moving a million karoms a minute and he doesn't know what else to do but pace around a bit while his father stays still. Lee doesn't know what to think of his earlier admission, doesn't know if he ever will. But for now, he is not saying anything to each other, just waiting for a white haired old man.<p>

Cottle looks them over, muttering to himself before deigning himself to speak to them. "It's damned odd. She looks like she is in great health, no bullet hole, no malnutrition signs, nothing. It's still her but it's as if these last couple months have no sign on her body." Lee realizes it is important and his brain stocks it away for later but right now, his first, and only, priority right now is begging a blonde viper pilot's forgiveness.

"Can I see her?" Lee pleads and the Admiral just nods along, still in one of his silent brooding states. Lee knows there is not much that can draw him out of that, so he leaves his father alone.

"Five minutes."

"But-" Lee tries to protest but is cut off by a wave of the doctor's hand. Five minutes is not enough time to convince her he's sorry for what he did, starting at letting Gais Baltar cut in, and than letting him take her away to dance. He is silenced with a glare and as they walk back Lee gets more and more nervous, what if she refuses to see him? What if she hates him, as she rightfully should. What if she doesn't accept his apology?

As Cottle pulls aside the curtain that had kept her secluded from the rest of the sick-bay, Lee notes with relief she is sitting up and looking healthy. It is one thing to hear she is okay and waking up, but quite another to see it. She seems distracted, her eyes keep on glancing over to one corner of the room, but Lee doesn't care.

Lee is suddenly speechless, he had rehearsed this in his mind if he got the chance to apologize he would, they varied, begging by her feet or shutting everyone out until she finally accepted his apology. Whatever it was, it didn't include being speechless. Lee opens and shuts his mouth more than once before finally getting a word to form and exit his mouth.

"Kara" he remarks, her name coming out like a prayer, and Lee thanks whoever is watching out for the two of them that she's awake. He wants to move closer, but is afraid of scaring her. He sits in his chair by the bedside, a fact she doesn't contend with and he's grateful with it. The silence is awkward, neither knowing what to do, his father standing at the foot of the bed, Lee in his chair and Kara shifting under the scrutiny of them both watching her like a hawk.

"Hi." She remarks finally and than drops her eyes back to the bed, playing with the sheets. Lee reaches out with his hand and covers her's with his, trying to comfort her, tell her it doesn't have to be awkward, that he is here for her and he's sorry.

* * *

><p>Did I completely lose anyone? I realize Zak is strange but hey. It's supposed to be odd seeing as she nearly died and needed to be talked into going back.<p> 


	5. Chapter 5

Note: Finals is being crazy but I had to take a break from the work and this came in. And as always comments are loved and appreciated. And tell me what you think about it,

**Kara-**

She woke up. As in really woke up, not like her dream thing earlier, staring Zak and whatever state her mind had dreamed up Lee to be in. She shook her head quietly, the monitors next to her humming quietly, the IV line hooked into her arm still dripping into her blood stream. No one seemed to know she was awake, no one probably cared either.

She glanced around the room and does another take. _Zak is still there. _Dress blues still hang on his frame, the embodiment of the perfect poster boy for the fleet, and thoughts about why there are many women who like a man in uniform, spring to her mind. "Zak" she calls out quietly, hoping he is there, a fixture of comfort needed. She knew coming back was a step, but now was the hard part.

He smiles sadly, and she knows he doesn't know she can see him. "I'm here Kara, I'm here." he mumers softly, almost to himself.

"Zak I can see you."

Confusion mixed with pure happiness erupt over his handsome features. "Really?" he asked delighted with this recent development at which she nodded. "It's been so long, being here and not being seen, I don't, I wonder if Lee can see me? Or Dad? And of course, you get to keep seeing me." He paused, thoughtful. "Maybe this is my purpose then."

"Purpose?"

"I talked to another person like me once, she said we don't go on until we complete whatever job we are being held back for then we are allowed to cross the River Styx, to go on. She left after Dad completed the rescue mission on New Caprica. She was a Raptor pilot he worked with in the first cylon war. We weren't seen, at least till now, but we could be felt, move things around to jog an idea, things like that."

Before he can add on, Kara finding again how much her heart had missed and ached for the chatter that meant Zak was nearby; a nurse stepped in the room and was shocked to find her awake. Before Kara can even say anything tot eh young woman, a nuggest Kara can tell, she runs off calling for the Doctor loudly.

"Zak am I crazy?" she pleads, wondering if she had completely lost it, while he shakes his head. Kara tries to say more but is face to face with Dr Cottle within seconds.

"It's about time you woke up." He grunts. "Damn Adamas crowding up my sick-bay." to illustrate his point he picks up a file of reports, she guesses Lee's by the way they are all stacked nicely and in a few nice labeled folders and dumps them on the ground, Kara fighting a giggle at how much that would annoy him. Zak is smiling and for a few moments she can pretend nothing is wrong, New Caprica never happened, Sam never left her, Lee and the Old man never hated her, Zak never died even. But then it grips her in a vice grip again and makes sure she knows it, the weight settling back on her chest so she can't breathe without the feel of it.

Zak's expression changes and he moves to the side of the bed, gently holding her hand. This Adama knew what she needed, as they always seemed to be able to, and yet the others were at times so off balanced. _They shouldn't be tending to her needs anyways_ her mind reminded her sourly, the longing inside to be accepted by them never ceasing to quit along with the equal insistence she wasn't good enough for a family, that was why her dad had left after all right?

"Whatever you're thinking you ought to stop it Kara." Zak remarks and she stirs again, unused to being read so easily, Adams had an uncanny ability to do that sometimes. Cottle is busy looking her over, giving gruff instructions his type of bedside manner dictated. She complies, not wanting to leave the comfort of Zak's hand around her own. If Cottle notices the way her hand is he doesn't comment, the practiced medical eye searching for things she doesn't understand. She just hopes crazy isn't on the list.

_Gods, how fracked up can I get?_

She was holding her dead fiancée's hand, one that had died a long time ago, after she woke up without a scratch from shooting herself in the stomach and a long captivity by some deranged toasters. Maybe it was the amount of mental scars she had, the pain was there and the same, but it was dealt in a different way being a different kind of pain, one just as potent, and not as likely to go away. This pain couldn't be healed by bandages or cast, Kara didn't know how it healed at all actually. Her's had been with her since the moment they had been inflicted on her young mindand the collection only grew over the years.

"I'll give the Adama's five minutes since you've woken up, after that, you dictate your visitors with a few exceptions." Her stomach is flip flopping at the idea of these exceptions and Zak squeezes her hand, reassuring her. Before she can ask what kind the exceptions are the white haired old man has shut the door behind him, not giving her a chance to argue. It's just as well, her armor coming down a moment, whatever was left of Starbuck deflating.

"Don't be nervous." Zak says, trying to calm her.

"What does still being able to see you mean?" she asks instead, redirecting him to another question. He knows full well what she was doing but chose not to push. Something she is grateful for.

"I don't know, but you aren't dead. I would know if you were, you're very much alive, you haven't crossed the Styx, the only thing I can think of is-"

The door opens and Cottle reentered followed by Lee and his father. Kara had seen earlier the changes in Lee from her little out of body jaunt but never before were they so apparent, he had lost the weight a while ago, but is now much thinner, leaner, starved looking as though the hadn't eaten. While before he may have been more likely to be told he had brawn, it was now more thin, more defined, any softness replaced by loss. He had dark circles under his blue eyes, the once sparkling orbs now muted with loss and pain. His Father, unlike Lee, seems the exact same, more tired maybe, but other than that she can't tell a difference from this one then the one who told her to get off his ship.

No one says anything and Kara shifts uncomfortably, wishing Zak had stayed with her instead of moving to the corner of the room. She finds herself looking over there but his eyes are on his brother.

"Come on Lee," he muttered, "Don't frack this up by over-thinking." She almost wanted to laugh if that was something she would laugh at anymore, if she could laugh anymore. It's such a Lee thing to do, overthink everything and making mountains out of molehills.

Her name is called and the feeling behind it scares her more than a little bit. There's force behind the one word that is who she is, but what exact kind she cannot tell. Disappointment shudders through her body as she notices he is still lingering by the door. He'd come but didn't want to come near her. He was approaching slowly, seating himself in the chair she had seen him in earlier. The old man makes no move to come closer and she finds herself burning in shame. Lee may have claimed he was sorry when she was asleep, but the old man was here out of obligation.

"Hi." it's the first thing she can think of to say, and Lee takes her hand, the one Zak didn't take in his, not saying anything. The silence is stretching on and on and she doesn't know what to say. She starts to say something but stops when Zak looks at her, telling her silently that Lee needs to do this himself.

* * *

><p><strong>Lee-<strong>

"I'm so glad you're okay" he starts off, knowing once he starts he doesn't think he'll ever stop, filling in the days she was in her coma and even the days long before's silence with the words he was saying now. "and I'm so sorry Kara. It doesn't sound like much but it's true, it was inexcusable what I did to you, and I will do anything I can to fix that, and make you happy."

Her green eyes, dark pools of emerald, are unreadable to him, and he tentatively brings her hand to his check, resting his head in her hand. Mistakes right here were deadly, for her and for him. If he scared her Lee feared setting off a reaction that would result in her death. And he knew how that story ended. It ended with his own demise, how he wasn't sure but probably via pills, he had planned it out should Kara actually die, of that there was no ifs ands or buts.

He kept going on, trying to get the point across that he needed her, he needed her like he needed to breath. "I dreamed about you every night, I started sleeping with your jackets and shirts, changing them out with your old ones because they still smelled like you. I tried flying, playing triad, I tried everything to keep you with me Kara, you've got to believe that."

"I need you with me Kara, you're the only person who keeps me sane, it took me a long time to realize that but you are, you're the reason I haven't given up on Earth yet. And we're going to get there, together, and we are going to have a bright shiny future."

Lee had no idea where the last part came from, but it was out and he realized he was beginning to spook her. He was getting better at telling these things, and he was scaring her, she looked more like a deer in the headlights then someone in a hospital bed. While his mind gaped for something to fill the silence with, Cottle walks in and takes in the scene, Kara uneasy, Lee mentally scolding himself and the older Adama, frozen at the foot of the bed, watching with blue eyes that marked him as an Adama.

"Now out. We need to check some more things."

"But-" Lee starts but is broken off by a dismissive wave of Cottle's hand. He may be a Battlestar Commander, but this is still Cottle's kingdom. He can scream his head off and throw a tantrum for all the good it'll do. "I'll see you later when he let's you out of his dungeon." If she wanted to see him. No, he wouldn't think that way, he knew there had to be a long way to go but he would get there. They had come this far hadn't they? It was too far to think about stopping, it was no time to start thinking of all that could happened. She was alive, that was a start.

* * *

><p><strong>Kara-<strong>

She's been squirming under Lee's gaze, and him and his grand gestures, grand gestures that never seem to be enough in the end. Not that she helped in that regard, she had done enough pushing herself, and he had been content to be pushed, until certain times when he pushed back and then stopped and pulled back. They were always pushing, for dominance, for space they didn't really want.

Bright shiny futures, brought up more than she wanted to remember. Hoping to finally have Lee, only to be rejected, and then using something, anything that came to mind to hide the hurt, her guilt at leaving people behind seeming to be the best cover and then it had thrown in her face. Hiding in the Pilot's Ready Room with her mother's voice echoing through her head at her rejection. The disappoint and anger at her in his eyes had been enough to bring back the ghosts of the past, the words making sure they stuck, ghosts that had long since stayed with her. Was that would this would end up as again, another mess, another bout of pain, she couldn't be happy, time had proven that time again and again, proven even more by her crying bouts in abandoned storage closets. People like her weren't happy, they didn't deserve it.

"Stop thinking that way." Zak said quietly, to not disturb Cottle thought the old man couldn't hear him. When the white haired man shut the door so it was only them, she got an odd sense of foreboding.

"Alrighty Thrace. I've seen some miracles, but this is probably one of the biggest, how did you do that?" She shrugged at his question, not knowing, glancing briefly at Zak who seemed as puzzled as herself. No help there. Somehow telling her someone who was dead was talking to her and that she had been out of her body to see Lee crying didn't seem like it would work. He looked at her long and hard before deciding something else. "Why did you shot yourself?"

"Felt like it." she growled and Zak looked at her reproachfully. She went back to looking at the plain gray sheets in sick-bay. The uncomfortable fabric and medicine smell, unable to look him in the eyes. She remembered trying as a fourteen year old and being caught by her mother. She could sill feel the aches and had the scars on her back, only weak people gave up, the Gods saw fit to give her life, much as her mother had disagreed, it wasn't to be questioned. Suicide was a sin. She had that lesson beat in her, and yet she gave up again, she couldn't take it again.

"I'm discharging you, but you will be staying with someone at all times, living with them in a sense until you are fit for cockpit again." Flying, her heart ached at the very thought of it, she wanted to jump in her viper, let it just be her in the viper, nothing else existed when she was in that world, it was all instinct, there was no room for anything else, specifically personal problems. Not fit to fly, she had no value, she really was worthless. There was a shortage of pilots, she knew she wrote the rooster, or at least she used to, and now there was even more of a strain. They wouldn't even let her teach. She fought to keep the tears from welling up, she knew she wouldn't be allowed to have her viper, they had probably given it to some nugget who had crashed it on his first time out, but it was like taking away her freedom. That viper was her baby, it was what stood between her now and her childhood, Her viper was the only reason she had gotten out of her mother's grasp. And now it was all gone.

Cottle ignored her, something she was thankful for. "You'll have Commander Adama pick you up in an hour or two after he gets his shift done."

She was staying with Lee? Lee had said he loved her, but what about Dee? It seemed lots had gone on while she was in her coma, and she didn't even know how long that was. As Cottle retreated she chanced on asking him. "How long was I in a coma?"

"Four months." he replied without stopping a beat and turned around and looked at her, sympathy welling in his old tired eyes. She couldn't look at him and Zak gently put his hand on her shoulder. She had on her papers if after six weeks she wasn't revived and there was little doubt that she never would, then she was to be taken off the machines. Her recovery was a miracle, so why? "Commander Adama wouldn't let us." he answers her unspoken question. Ishay came in and gave her some new clothes, Kara didn't know if they were her's but she took them and Ishay motioned her to follow along, the nurse knowing when to not talk. Zak followed along with her, the sense of him next to her, close enough to touch but not quite, little brushes of his skin on her's here and there, comforting her and encouraging her to keep going.

Relief enters her when she steps into the head and can pull off the nurse's gown. After being told to take as much time as she needs, she turns on the water and finds it to be warm. None of today has made any sense, but the shower is always nice. Zak is outside waiting for her, giving her privacy, something after her experiences with Leoben she desperately craved. As the water beats down on her unwashed hair she wonders what it all means. And than stops caring, she doesn't have it in her to care anymore. Caring nearly killed her. Caring let her be manipulated by machines, caring got her heart broken into a infinite number of pieces that couldn't be put together again.


	6. Chapter 6

Just a note, this chapter may seem dark to some people, or just disturbing so I thought I would put in a warning. It isn't horrible but I don't feel right now putting a warning up, just in case.**  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Lee-<strong>

His mind was abuzz with everything, hopes from the fact Kara had not refused to see him outright and fears that she was simply fooling them into thinking she was okay and then attempting death again, most likely succeeding the second time. If the first time she had survived astronomical odds against her, the second time she would make sure she got it right. Kara never did anything half-assed, and Lee knew if she was still as hurt as she'd been that day, she needed to be watched. Maybe the first time didn't seem planned, spur of the moment, but the second would most likely be. She couldn't get the chance.

Stopping by a bulkhead leaning his clenched fists against the cool metal he took a deep breathe and than another. _Slowly, breathe_. Taking deep breaths had always helped him before, when his mother had drunk too much again, at the academy when someone poked fun at him, claiming Daddy's name got him in rather than his talents. It worked when the pilots were dying like flies or acting like preschoolers. It had to work now.

He would get to see Kara after his shift in CIC, and then he would work with Cottle on where she would be going. He privately hoped he would be in charge of taking care of her. He could order it if he felt like but he'd rather not force Kara to stay with him; but if Cottle put them together, his entire being ached with the idea. The two of them together, maybe not so perfect but he'd do his absolute above the call of duty best to make sure they were on the road to perfect. He'd never told her but when they got to Earth, he had this idea of where they would end up. A house, with a porch swing, and a nice view and so much else, he'd almost admitted it to her once, and maybe if he had things would have been different. If he admitted his mistakes and own wrongdoings before things had spiraled so far out of control.

Arriving in CIC he found an unusual picture. Granted the space was small, with many peoples' job by the Dradis consoles, but now they were clustered by it, and not at their station. Helo was there too, and rather belatedly Lee realized he had come over to check up with Showboat about some training exercise Kat wanted to do. He should have been there to greet him, but he hadn't.

"Hey come on there, I won't hurt you." Helo was saying and Lee felt even more confused. Today had been a long day, he only had an hour on his shift left, and did he get to have a nice normal boring shift? Nope, not with Kara in the world. The only time his shifts had been interesting had been when she was, awake. The dull monotony that was how he had strived for, was now too much time and quiet to think.

"What's going on?" Lee asked, Commander jumping from his place in Lee's head to appear in full form in front of the people in the CIC. Many went to attention and someone called Commander on deck before he waved them at ease. He wanted answers not protocols followed.

"Sir, there is a little girl hiding under the machines of the planning table." Helo said and Lee felt himself jump. A child, how had she gotten there? Why was she there? How on the planet with name of Kobol had she gotten there without the many people in the CIC noticing? "She won't come out." he added on, as though this was also needed to explain. Lee almost hit his head against the console in frustration. Great, just great, dozens of people in this room and none of them noticed a little kid walk in and hid, in his dradis console. Maybe some more drills, briefs on observation, this wouldn't do. They got a kid the first time, the next it could be a cylon.

Sighing as he waved some of the people off, telling them to go back to their posts, he knelt on the floor and took the light from Helo. Slowly he put the light into the hatch the child had crawled through to a corner of the panel. A little girl, no more than two with blonde hair and blue eyes with a black eye, scratches on her face and a lean look to her that suggested not much food looked back and pressed herself farther to the panel. But that wasn't what surprised him, not the wounds, though, he was surprised about those. But the little girl's face, it was one he knew. One he had poured over for hours, she was the little girl in Kara's sketch pad, he'd know her anywhere. _Kacey._

"Hi there Kacey." The child looked shocked he knew her name and he tried to smile to reassure her. He couldn't tell if he did anything or not, she was so terrorized. Why would a little girl be so scared? He had several ideas from reading Kara's journals, and Kacey's mother's refusal to let Kara see her. "I'm a friend of Kara's."

At the mention of the pilot, Kacey's entire demeanor changed. "Kawa?" she asked, no longer as scared of Lee, but more curious then anything. Lee nodded, and she ogled him some more, sizing him up in her mind. Like Kara he had no idea what she was thinking or if he was making any headway, just that she hadn't run off or freaked out. All of which were good signs.

"Yeah, Kara. I'm sure she would love to see you, she's missed you." Lee told the little girl, and it had been true. Entries to her journal told of Kara sick with worries, she didn't think Julia should have Kacey, submitting child welfare reports that went nowhere, wondering what the little girl was doing, if she was well feed, if she remembered New Caprica, if she liked playing Vipers still. It was obvious to Lee, a simple reader of these writings, that Kara missed the little girl very much, and held a great deal of affection for Kacey.

The little girl fidgeted before moving a small fraction forward. Lee nodded to encourage her but then she drew back. "Mommy told me I wasn't allowed to see her." fear seemed to take control of the little girl again and Lee felt his muscles tense when some more of his suspicions was confirmed. This little girl wasn't being treated right.

"I'll take care of that Kacey. Let's go see Kara." he said, confidence dripping from every word. He didn't know how, but he would never let Kacey see her again if he could help it, anyone that did what this woman did to a child, didn't deserve to have them. Humanity and bright shiny futures huh? The little girl debated with herself before moving forward towards Lee who waited for her encouragingly.

As she exited the console Lee carefully picked her up, her little body lighter then what it should be, Lee knew that much about kids. Helo looked at him before nodding in the direction of sickbay. Lee took his private order to go, warding questioning people off with a glance. The last thing this little girl needed was people staring at her more than they were. Kacey sensed them and nuzzled herself in his jacket, trying to hide from them, just like another blonde he knew who would do the same thing.

* * *

><p><strong>Kara-<strong>

It felt odd to be in clean clothes again, someone else's she was sure, they would have given her stuff to someone who deserved to wear the uniform. Her hair, the only thing to have really changed went past her shoulders now, and she fingered the wet strands absentmindedly, almost like they belonged to someone else. _Maybe they did. _

Exiting the washroom as quiet as possible, her return to sickbay was noted only by Zak who stood up from his chair and fell in step beside her, his simply being there soothing her nerves. _But for how long?  
><em>Being with Zak had kept some of her bad memories repressed, being around him, the easy-going, light hearted happy man who loved and cared for _her_. Out all the women he could have he had _her_. His happiness rubbed of like a drug and for a while the nightmares stayed away, the dark voice in her mind that told her she was never good enough went away, and she was, for the first time in a long time, happy. But the voices came back, and the nightmares returned and not even Zak holding her in the night was enough to make them go away.

She settled back by her bed to wait for Lee to come pick her up, she wasn't sure what to expect. Him yelling at her the first chance he had to do it privately? Him walking on eggshells around her like she will break if rattled the slightest bit? She didn't want to burden him, and he didn't want to help her carry her burdens as he had stated what was now a long time ago. That was clear enough, except for Zak, whom she had realized was not going away, she was on her own. Maybe even with Zak she was on her own.

The table next to the IV catch's her eye and curious she goes over to look through it. At first she thinks it is more of Lee's paperwork, but now upon closer look, she notices they are cards. Cards, photos, note of well-wishes. Tyrol and Cally, Kat, Pegasus pilots, Galactica's squadrons, Helo, Sharon, even the President had taken the time to write something nice. Kara finds herself pushing them in a neat pile and pushing them away from her. The words couldn't be meant for her, and if they were they were probably not meaning anything. Just one of the many endless chores people do at the end of a long day. Wasn't like they had to mean anything, they were just promises on a page, empty words that said something but meant something else.

"That's not true." Zak remarked quietly and she jumps, forgetting he is with her, always with her. "People love you Kara. One day you'll see it."

Kara's only reaction is grimace with memories of someone else using the words 'One Day' to predict something else entirely. Zak quickly realizes his mistake. "They love you Kara. I just wish you could see that."

She doesn't give him a response because she's heard Lee asking for Cottle. It's early she knows that and yet she is happy enough to get out. The people in sickbay are too probably, they can give the bed to someone who deserves it, someone not so weak, or messed up.

The only thing she can register when she sets eyes on Lee, isn't Lee at all. It's Kacey, and Kara's worst suspicions confirmed. She had filed plenty of reports, left many tips at Karl's door, hoping he would pick up on them, moving to get the little girl from her mother, a kind stranger doing for Kacey what no one had done for her. She didn't come forward because she feared she would be chosen to take care of her, and while anything was probably a step up from what she was getting now at home, Kara knew from experience, Kara knew she couldn't take care of the youngster much as she wished. Kara would just frak her up, make her horrible like Kara herself, _Taint her_. The little girl deserved better.

Kara tried to back into the room but Kacey had spotted her and began to call for her. She looked back at Zak who only nodded encouragingly at her, no help from there then. Lee was walking over and she had to see the little girl. Kara loved Kacey, she wanted the little girl to have the best of everything and yet, she couldn't be around Kacey. Every time she looked at the little girl was the memory of Julia taking her away, of Leoben claiming Kacey was her daughter only to have it be another lie. Kara's started to reach for the little before she can fully catch up with what she is doing. By the time it is registered, she's already holding Kacey and holding on.

"Kawa Kawa Kawa." The little child cried happily, despite the injuries she has all over her. A black eye, scratches on her face, the little girl obviously favoring one wrist. Kara's heart tugged painfully, memories threatening to overwhelm her and drag her back into the past. Kara buried her face in the blonde hair, trying to keep her tears the sight of the little girl brought. The want, the painful longing for this little girl to be her's, overwhelmed her to the point of tears. The way she thought Kacey had loved her, and all she meant to Kara, had been erased, gone, no hope of pretending they were anything but the cold solid truth.

"She needs to see a medic." Lee's voice is distant to her, she can't hear him because her attention is only focused on the thing she has cradled in her arms. Kara knows she has Kacey again and can't let her be taken back. Just the thought of Kacey going through anything she went through burns and hurts and makes this protective feeling well up inside to the point she has to keep herself from hanging on too tight. No matter what story Lee and the medics are fed, no matter what loop-hole, or debit that needs to be paid there is, Kara isn't letting her go back. She may have to give Kacey to someone else and watch her from afar, knowing she is safe, Kacey doesn't need Kara screwing her up, but Kacey would be safe.

"Come on sweetie lets find someone to look at that." Kara mummers soothing the little girl. She looks at the blue eyes, cautious and scared and yet trusting of her and knows things will be okay. She'll make sure what happened to her won't happen to this little girl.


	7. Chapter 7

If Only Chapter 7-

**Kara-**

Clutching the small precious bundle tight to her body, she searched out with her eyes where Dr. Amstud was. The Pegasus Doctor would simply have to do, though she would have preferred Cottle anyday. She had only spoken with Dr. Amstud twice, whereas with Cottle she knew exactly what to expect. And he knew what to expect from her, and he knew about her bone scans, and all the other things she never told anyone.

Lee was watching, following along, keeping a careful distance. _He brought me Kacey _her mind cried out happily. She knew logically there was no way Lee could know about Kacey and what Kacey meant to her. She had hidden her records well, least they fall into the wrong hands and make rounds on the ship. He was just doing the right thing, Lee and his grand gestures and the right moral thing to do. She rather liked it about him, how he could stand up, against so much, and still be optimistic at times, thinking of justice, morals and the betterment of the people. There had been times she had seen that sense of him shake and falter, but it always came back with a vigor.

It was rather like her first impression she had of him, when she went to the Academy, her mother coming along and staring up at the wall of valedictorians. It was the first time she had ever seen Lee's face, the picture freshly taken and the frame just polished with the class that had just graduated. '_Look well Kara' _her mother had hissed _'Your face and name will never be up there'_ And Kara had, in the end, achieved 16th, which was good in a school where excelling was everything. But she wasn't good enough. _Not Like Lee was._

Settling into a room the nurse pointed at, Kara moved inside and shut the door. One of the things she liked about this sickbay, some rooms had doors, you could just shut them. An open door was like an open curtain. Open, you can visit, closed, don't come near. Lee surprised her by walking in with them, Kacey studying Lee with weary blue eyes. She didn't know how they had met, didn't much care right now. Zak was watching in the corner, an ever present eye on the situation, his presence comforting her. Maybe it was because when things had gotten tough in the past few years, she had looked back and convinced herself she was worthy of love, until the defense had been overwhelmed.

Sitting up on the examination table with Kacey in her lap, Kara allowed herself to just hold the little girl close to her. The girl who had been her daughter for a few weeks. She felt tears prick, not falling due to the fact she wouldn't cry in front of Lee and it would upset Kacey. But this was her daughter and she had been hurt.

"Missed Kawa." The little girl said quietly. Words were so rare with Kacey, probably because she had been forced to be quiet. It made Kara ache inside, how could she have just let that woman walk away with her? How could she not have demanded more proof, made sure the child was taken care of, contested for Kacey. But even if she had fought, Kacey would not have been hers, who would have believed a broken soldier who had been held captive for months, taking the words of a cylon, or a seemingly broken woman looking for her baby back. It left an acidic taste in her mouth, much as Kara had tried to help Kacey, she hadn't done enough.

If she had done enough Kacey wouldn't be hurt. She'd failed the little girl. Kacey deserved so much better.

"I missed you too Kace" She whispered back, feeling the tears prick up again. It was only temporary, she reminded herself. Soon Julia was going to come, make up some story, be believed and Kacey taken away from her. Again. It was how the system worked, she only knew that story too much and too well.

Zak stands off to the side now, his being nearby soothing her nerves or she would be in hysterics over what happened to her little girl. "Things will be different Kara. Just trust me." She looked at him head on, and could see Zak was always how he got when he was going to do something. Serious and determined, and he had that look on him, with glittering blue eyes she loved so much.

Before she can respond, if she could even do that without looking like a crazy, the Doctor walks in, introducing himself.

* * *

><p><strong>Lee-<strong>

He kept his eye on Kara, who was trying to keep it together. To anyone else she would look fine, but Lee, it had taken him years but he could read her now. She hadn't been prepared to see Kacey at all. He could only wonder where they were going to put her now, probably in sick-bay so she could stay close to Kacey. Disappointment surged through him, he wanted to be the one to mend her. To heal what he had broken, because Lee has no doubts he is what pushed her past the breaking point.

It made him feel pain inside, he knew what this child meant to her, and through that, even though his connection was one he probably should not be allowed to have, he hurt inside. He hurt when she hurt, and vice versa. The only way to be happy, he had realized, was when they were happy together, not apart but together. Only then was peace achieved. He'd come to that conclusion one day while at her bedside, hoping for a miracle, praying for the smallest flicker.

When the doctor arrived he introduced himself to Kacey who only dug herself more into Kara's shoulder. Kara didn't do anything to stop her, just comforting the little girl best she could, whispering things he cannot hear. With an obvious great reluctance, Kacey turns to look at the doctor who explains what he going to do before he does it it.

The Pegasus Major asks no questions, though whether that is some kind of training or someone has already briefed him Lee isn't sure. Lee can see him explaining to Kacey what she needs helps a bit. The poor little girl is still frightened, and if Kara hadn't been with her Lee is sure she would be in panic mood by now. All in all Kacey needs several stitches, a cast for her wrist, some bandages and they wanted to keep her a few days to make sure her nutrition levels got back up to normal before they released her. they didn't say anything about where she would go. Lee is afraid to ask, already having made plans in his head to adopt the little girl so she wouldn't be back where she had been.

His Father is at the door and Lee and the Doctor reluctantly leave, with Kara and Kacey left alone. They'll be fine he convinces himself but in reality he would rather stay, if only to keep an eye on them.

Outside he is greeted by Cottle who as his demeanor demanded, wasted no words. "They are obviously a great comfort to one another. Only problem is they both have issues to deal with, and if either issue rear their ugly heads it could easily collapse around our ears faster than you came as a teenager during your first time." Leaving The others wincing a bit at the reference, Lee decides what he is going to do. Nothing anyone else can see is going to stop him, he won't let anything else be done. He knows in his gut the right thing to do.

"I'll adopt Kacey."

More than one pair of eyebrows shoot up towards hairlines at his statement, most notably his fathers. He doesn't care, he'll resign being a commander, give it to someone who can do the job and go back to being a CAG, or a desk jockey or something. He had failed in regards to Kara and certainly wasn't making that mistake again, and with Kara it seemed, came Kacey. He would accept both, the two blondes having won a special place in his heart. "It's not a puppy Commander." Cottle reminds, more than a little unhelpful.

"I want to help Kara, and it's obvious they need each other." He pointed to the window where you could see the two of them together, Kara rocking Kacey back in forth gently while the tired toddler rested on her shoulder. "they belong together, I think it would only hurt Kara if we took her away now."

His Father doesn't say anything, just silent. He often did that, stay silent. It's only lately Lee realized it is another thing he inherited, silence, feelings hidden away, a cold emotionless mask. As Cottle walks off, telling him over his shoulder he has an hour to get Kara a place to sleep in his quarters ready, does the admiral speak. "Take care of them Lee." And walks away. Lee wants to call after him, tell him to come back, that Kara needs him. But somewhere, Lee realizes maybe he just isn't ready for that. Maybe Kara isn't. they need to mend it someday but someday is not today.

* * *

><p><strong>Kara-<strong>

A nurse comes in and guides them to another room, with a bed and IV. She, having been instructed and told of the situation, tells Kacey exactly what to expect. Sitting down at her bedside while Kacey drifts to sleep feels all too familiar to her. Her mind takes her to another time, another place, in a different hospital with Kacey having a different injury. She can still feel the imprints of what happened to her, his hands on her when she least expects it, his voice calling her from different places, saying things all too close to the truths she has never let herself beleive. _But what if he was right?_

It had started out something she could easily lock away. It wasn't like anyone had to make her feel, she had done it before, to satisfy her academy instructor and not letting him follow through with his threat to fail her. And if it saved Sam, who was anyone to judge her? She was simply getting paid in a different way, she learned quickly what made Leoben react to her touch, finish as quickly as possible and be done with it. she didn't have to let him control her, he didn't make her do anything. He told her she would love him, told her she would do all kinds of things, things she didn't do. She still killed him, she still stayed as far away as she could whenever she could.

All of that had changed with Kacey. When he brought the little girl back he said being a family he expected more. Wanted more from her. A hug bought Kacey something, whimpers of affection and need gave her a new toy. Crying out under him gave her a piece of candy. He made her started to say it to him, three little words that meant so much to him. He made her come to him more, played with her more, asked more of her. She slowly fell under his spell, her memories of fighting until she couldn't beginning to vanquish under the feel of his hands. It became so easy to just give in to what he wanted, Kacey clearly adored him, how could she deny the little girl her family? It was what he had wanted all along, for them to be a family. She felt guilty about giving in but as long as Kacey was happy and she never hurt anyone she wasn't doing anything wrong she reasoned with herself.

The few days later when she stared up at the ceiling above her desk she felt all the guilt. She'd given in, she'd let him use her, she'd let him win. And for what? For nothing, she had let Leoben Conoy take her heart and soul, spirit, mind and body, for what? It wasn't as though she had anything left, her husband was gone, her family on Galactica and Pegasus hated her, and Kacey was back with her real mother, with her real family, not the fake one. That had let the traitorous thoughts in, if they had never come back would she still have been happy? Would Kacey still be her's? Then all the guilt came with it, how could she even think that for one minute?

"He used you Kara." Zak's voice calls to her from her side. "It was a way to break you, destroy who you were, you survived to fight another day, he is the enemy not you." She nods but she doesn't believe him, not really. She knows what she did. She's no worse than a collaborator. She may have had no choice to leave but that didn't mean she had to make it as easy as she did. She didn't have to give in."You didn't do anything wrong Kara, the blame lies at Leoben's feet and his alone. He did those things on purpose, lied to you, coerced you."

She sees Lee having come back from wherever he went, waiting at the door patiently for her. She's tired suddenly, unable to want to go out there, to deal with the stares, why can't she just stay here away from it all? Why does she even have to deal with it? She makes her way to leave but just like last time Kacey grabs her hand, and so she stays. She can never deny a pair of blue eyes anything.

* * *

><p>Hi! I know I have updated this in a while, life and other things got in the way, but if you are still reading this I thank you for your time. I'm still not sure where this is going to end up, but I have a plan and hope you like the chapter.<p> 


	8. Chapter 8

I know I know, it has been forever. Life got super busy and will for a while. Craziness all around. But here is a chapter and I hope you at least enjoy reading it.

**Kara-**

After the little girl who she ached to call her child feel asleep, did Lee dare come near her bedside, probably to chew her out, and just not wanting to do it in front of the little girl. She braces herself for a fight, it's the next step in their never-ending dance after all. But he does something that is surprising, simply just offering her his hand to help her up to her feet.

"Come on, let's get you someplace more comfortable than sick bay chairs" There's no anger, and confusion sweeps her up and threatens to push her off her feet. He should be angry, history has shown her he should be seething, threatening to shove her out an air lock, or something like that. His voice is only warm, and comforting and sounding uncannily like dream-Lee, the one who was in her dreams and took care of her. He was whatever her mind had thought up to bring her comfort, and while she knew that dream Lee that she saw asleep was a fantasy, it didn't make him any less real to her then Zak now was.

She carefully places her fingers in his, fingers that were slightly crooked in one spot from a door that no longer existed. He helps her to her feet, though why he bothers to help she doesn't know. Why does he want to touch her? Didn't he hate her?

The realization is enough to cause her pull away from him, crossing her arms around herself, the words in her head shocking her back to reality. As nice as this version of Lee was, she was confident he wouldn't last long. Eventually, other things came in, and nothing kept him here, with her, in the present. He left, and she drove him away and then the cycle started again, each time with more and more wounds inflicted and harsher weaponry used.

"Kara." His tone pleads and she can sense her rejection hurt him._ Well too bad. _Her mind remarked. Lee may mean well now, but it never lasted. Sooner or later, she was all alone again in storage closet, and she had no one to blame but her stupid fracked up self.

She can sense Cottle nearby and all she wants is to be alone. Not likely to happen soon, thanks to her botched attempt, even though it should have gone along perfectly. "Can we just leave?" She asks quietly, some of the first few words she has said since she woke up. She knows they all expected her to be more talkative, be Starbuck, the heroine they loved that did death defying stunts and still made it on time to dinner and the daily triad game. But she doesn't know how to explain to them that Leoben had killed her, because that lead to more questions that weren't any of their business.

"Okay." Lee backs off a bit and she feels disappointed. Did she want him to leave or stay? She doesn't know and that's part of the problem. Some things get crystal clear around him, and others get much more complicated and hazy. "Ready to leave then? I already had some of your stuff over in my quarters and I don't mind bunking on the couch. You have the bed."

She shakes her head no at that, almost feeling ill. She didn't want his bed, the bed where he had another woman with him, a woman who hated her and went out of her way to make things even more miserable. Besides, he is a Commander after all, he needs rest and he won't get that on a couch. It's his bed his quarters, she had her own, or at least she used to. They probably gave it away and auctioned off her stuff to the highest bidder. She wondered if Showboat was the CAG now, and hoped so. The woman was a good choice.

"Come on Kara, it's really no bother at all, if you'd just-"

"I don't want your bed." She interrupted, her voice lacking the fire that came with such declarations.

Lee doesn't want to give up. "Kara really, it's no trouble at all, I want to give it to you, it'll be more comfortable. It's the least I can do."

She shook her head no, he didn't understand. And she couldn't tell him way, she had no rights on him, not even a friendship or a professional relationship; he had made that very clear to her. Besides, the offer to give her a bed was eerily close to another offer, only that offer had been _to share_.

"Kara come on, let me make it up to you, I don't sleep much anymore, not really, I don't mind the couch just come on, listen to me. Just take it okay?"

She shook her head no again, the movement exhausting. It was getting late and she had had a busy day for first waking up, specially when Cottle had told her to make sure she took it easy for a while to get back into the swing of things without hurting herself. There seemed to be no physical implications, even the bullet hole was gone, like it never even happened.

It would be so easy, to pretend the last, what, almost two years had never happened. Before they ever found New Caprica, before the fall out between her and Lee, before she jumped back to Caprica even. But a lesson Kara knew very well, that when the physical wounds healed over the bets they could, the mental ones staid.

They never went away, locked in a dark corner in the back of her mind, herself forcing them down, only letting them resurface when her guard was down or she had too much to drink and was in a reflecting sort of mood.

Lee stops, seeming to take in how tired she is and how pointless it is that he is arguing with her. He won't win, she knows that for sure. She would rather sleep alone anyways, it had been long enough the nightmares had not been an every night occurrence but when they reared their ugly head she didn't want anyone around. That is why her office was in a less crowded area of the ship. Less of a chance on her being bothered in the night for something. If people found things they would ask questions, and they would be questions she didn't want to talk about. Past was the Past, it was behind her right?

_Yeah, look how well that turned out;_ an inner voice reminded her sourly. She carefully walks over to the door, uncomfortable with all the stares and eyes that some of the medical staff are giving her. _It will only get worse _she reminds herself. People did that, she knew on Galactica and Pegasus would be no different. She had worked to treat them the same, but other people had no such plans. They went out of their way to accommodate them, which to her seemed unfair. But it was a fact, no one would ever see her the same again, and any ity bity hopes she'd had of getting a small part of her old life back after finding herself awake on a hospital bed were quickly smashed.

No one would treat her the same, look at her the same, she wasn't their viper jock who could do anything. She had basically showed the entire world something had beat her, something got to her, and it had gotten to a point she couldn't take it anymore. Logic told her, the pilots didn't need someone like that to look up to, they needed a hero, a real one, not one fallen from grace.

She knows it is after the shift has started, people were at their posts or in the showers, various offices, rec rooms or sleeping. Perfect time to flee. Lee's hand carefully lays on her elbow and she shakes him off without thinking. He takes a step away, looking more than a little hurt for a moment and she has to stop and wonder why she feels like she just kicked a puppy. He was only trying to help, but if she ever came to rely on it, he would never be there. She knew that, he knew that. So why was he here?

"Let's go then." He says quietly, his face shifting back into a mask. He wears that stupid mask what has felt like far too long. She can't see behind it, or around it, and it is rare for her to see much emotion out of him. She used to be able to read him much better, but then things changed, they both did, and she can't anymore.

She follows him out of sick-bay, shuffling along the floor in boots. Kara couldn't help but wonder when the outburst was coming.

* * *

><p><strong>Lee-<strong>

_Well what did you expect after everything Leland? _a voice that sounds much like his mother when she was upset with him and sober, drunk sounded entirely different, asked him reproachfully. Honestly, he didn't know. It had seemed like she had been willing to let him in, if only for a moment, back in the room. What had he done wrong?

Tabling the idea for now and instead focusing on Kara, who looked like she was going to fall over, he realized he had to get them to his room. He knew on some level Kara probably wouldn't take the bed, and was both annoyed and pleased by her reaction. Annoyed because he knew she needed good rest and that may not happen on his couch, and pleased as it was proof that somewhere inside, the remnants of Starbuck and Kara were very much alive. In pieces maybe, but not gone. If there were pieces it was fixable, if there were pieces it wasn't gone forever.

Acting purely on instinct he reaches out for her arm, careful, meant to provide reassurance to stem the waves of fear rolling off her form. Instead it only provides the opposite effect causing her to draw farther away, and drive home just how bad this was. He had only thought about Kara waking up and letting her know she was sorry. He had never thought into how she might feel about it, or avoid him, or ignore him, or anything. It had always been pray she wakes up, apologize and then it stopped.

It hurt though to know she didn't trust him. Not enough to even provide her a comfort of any kind. "Let's go then." He said, a bit lamely in his mind but he walked out the door, making sure that she was behind him.

He tried to go slowly enough that she could keep up, and he was thankful he had not had to run interference for her. It was that perfect time of day to roam the halls, best time really for loners or misanthropes. Although why a misanthrope would join the fleet was another question to analyze in his spare time.

Keying in the numbers on his side keypad to let him in his quarters, he tries to look at Kara out of the corner of his eyes. She is standing off to the side, closed off, distant, but unlike the emotions he normally puts with that pose, she isn't angry. Anger, he knows how to deal with that, but this, he is way over his head.

Walking inside his messy office, or messy by his standards at least, "You can go find something more comfortable to sleep in if you want to, your clothes are in the other closet inside the bedroom, along with all of your other things." How would she react to finding all of her things, carefully organized and painstakingly place in the exact order and angle she had left them.

Giving her privacy while she went to the closet in the living quarters he sat on the couch.

_Just until she comes back _his mind insisted to her. _It won't be for that long, besides I won't fall asleep now. I'm too keyed up._

He was wrong. Lee Adama ended up half sitting and half laying in the side of his couch, curled up and fast asleep.

* * *

><p><strong>Kara-<strong>

_Bed it is then I guess. _She thought sourly looking at Lee's figure, the anger she had expected to feel not rising up to the surface. He looked so young, his face that held the stresses of commanding a battlestar were slackened away, into the handsome face that remained.

Her hand reached out to shake him awake at first, but watching the asleep man sigh and shift like a small child, Kara knew she couldn't do it. Lee had a certain quality to him she almost couldn't bear waking him up. He seemed so peaceful.

His brown hair, grown a bit past regulation was soft, and she couldn't help but finger it a moment longer. She didn't dare do anything more, this man already had her heart. The last thing she needed to do was drive him away.

Her feet padding softly against the cold metal of the floor, she shuts out the light and tip toes over to the living quarters, leaving that light on. She doesn't sleep in the dark anymore, she needs to be able to see everything around her at all times or she will never be able to sleep.

Kara Thrace does not fear the dark, she comforts in that, she just fears the unknown the darkness brings along with it.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9-**

**Lee-**

He woke up slowly, gradually, almost as though he was a little kid again and his mom, when she had told him to get up for school and done such other motherly tasks, was doing it again. She would gently shake him and cal his name, and leave him to wake up so he barely knew she was there. Something seemed to be making him get up, and so he moved to get out of his bed, and fell face first onto the floor with a loud omph. Right, the couch, and Kara and making her take the bed. Right. He remembered that now, wide-awake on the cold metal floor.

Privately he kind of wished he had taken the bed, because his couch was damn uncomfortable, but shoved the thought away. Kara would not get anything second rate from him anymore, not his attention to her needs, not his affection, he had made that mistake often enough and it had nearly resulted in him losing her from his life completely and permanently. No that was not going to happen again anymore.

He glanced at his wall clock. 04:30. His shift did not start until much later, but he didn't think he was going back to sleep any time soon. Lee pulled himself up off the floor and stretched his back, only stopping until he heard it pop and relief flooded his spine. That felt a lot better.

He un-did his boot laces and pulled them off. He would need to grab a uniform and then he would take a short shower. Normally that would not be a problem, only his change of clothes was in his closet, and he would have to be extra quiet to not disturb Kara. The Doc had made it very clear she needed a peaceful, safe environment and it was also very clear to Lee, rank or not, the second he felt that had been compromised Kara would be removed from his care and placed somewhere else.

The last thing he wanted was to have some kind of screw-up on the very first day.

The light in his room was still on; bits of it peaking out from were the hatch had not completely closed all the way. It confused him for a moment until he came to the conclusion. _Kara must be awake too. _

Moving the hatch open slowly, just to make sure not to startle her, he was confused by what he saw. Kara must have burrowed down deep under the covers near the foot of the bed, curled up into a fetal position with maybe a pillow with her and fallen asleep. _It's probably just a natural reaction to the trauma, a defensive mechanism,_ his mind whispered to him. _Just be quiet, don't wake her up and she will never even know you were here._

But Fate it seemed, had other plans and just as he pulled one of his clean uniforms from it's place on the hanger, ironed and pressed, done when he had nothing to occupy his mind, he heard her whimper. And there was no going back. Lee Adama, could not, would not, let her suffer even from a nightmare of some kind. He had let her suffer; he didn't want to let her suffer any more than she already had. It simply didn't seem fair for life to keep making her hurt. She had been through so much already, and that was only what he knew about. He didn't know anything that she hadn't told him, or that he had read.

"Hey Kara." He said sitting on the other side of the bed, unsure if he should touch her. He wanted to hug her, but he knew the last thing you did was bother a soldier, especially one who had been a Prisoner of War, while asleep. Their reactions tended to not be very nice and rather hazardous to those that had bothered them.

Against what his mind cautioned him, he laid his hand on her shoulder and gently shook her calling her name to not wake her up in a panic. He was unsuccessful. It seemed in the matter of a few moments, she was curled up under the sheets to fully mobile and on the floor backing far away from him, feet and arms scrambling to propel her, and out towards the hatch.

"Kara, it's me, it's Lee." he called desperately and made the mistake of going after her to get her to calm down and reassure her the nightmare had not followed her into real life. He bent down to put his hand on her shoulder and pull her to face him. Big mistake for Lee Adama. As soon as he was in range she got in a well-placed kick to his groin. Lee soon found himself reacquainted with his office floor and she continued to move in a flurry of movements.

"Damn it Kara! I'm not trying to hurt you!" He called from the floor but the hatch to the bathroom had swung shut with a bang and he heard the lock on the door slide into place.

So much for not screwing up the very first day. He winced getting to his feet, she could still kick. He knew that much very well.

* * *

><p><strong>Kara-<strong>

She was still breathing hard as she pressed her back to the hatch, the metal digging into her back but she was unable to find a frack to give about it. It had felt so real, she still went back there sometimes, and she never wanted to again. Sometimes she whimpered, which she guessed must have attracted Lee's attention, but that was why she slept under the covers. So no one could hear her cry out. Be it pain, or need for comfort, or just crying no one needed to know that. Not after everything.

She grabbed the hatch and forced herself to her feet, and she was still unsteady. Her body still shook a bit and her breath still came in gasps. She managed to make it to the sink without tripping on her own two feet or falling over and turned the faucet to pour water on her face. She looked back at the face staring at her from the small mirror.

She still looked like Kara Thrace, Starbuck, viper pilot extraordinaire, the person who bucked authority and got away with it, she who hit the Ex-O when he needed a pop in the mouth but no one dared give it to him, the heart-attacking inducing hot shot who pulled the death defying stunts. But was she still that person? The same tattoos were there, marking her pale white skin with their inky black. A reminder of her failed marriage, Kara had that, the words Public Property etched into her skin, and a symbol on her neck. She had the same bright blonde hair that Kara did; same color eyes but they had a different expression in them. Kara's had held her emotions there, anger, sadness, happiness, devilish glee, everything on the spectrum. There was nothing but blank induced pain in hers. The rest was the same, mouth, lips, nose, forehead, high cheekbones. Her arms were still the same, down to the curves of the rest of her, muscles spent hours working towards was still on her slim frame. Kara Thrace's body still remained alive and breathing. But did the personality who had existed inside of her, did she still exist?

Was she that person anymore on the inside? Well that was the million cubit question wasn't it? That and what happened to her when Lee and everyone else discovered she wasn't that person anymore. She looked like that person, but was the inside still all the same? Would she still hit the Ex-O if he threw a table at her or just take it? Would she still argue with Lee just for the sake of winding him up and watching him go or hear him yell at her then slink off to cry in peace later? Would she still answer the Old Man with their customary greeting if he were to come by or would they still pass one another in silence?

She hadn't seen the Old Man since she saw him when she woke up. He hadn't been by since, she had heard, even seen him, he had been on Pegasus later that day, but he didn't stop to see her. _And why should he? _A nasty voice asked her. _He said you weren't part of his family anymore, and he meant it. _That had to be why avoided her, she had let him down, and everyone knew William Adama did not tolerate failure from his expectations in people. Not even from his own family, that she had never even really been a part of in the first place. Maybe more like an honorary member or something.

"My Father never means those kinds of things when he says them." Calm and gentle Zak said reappearing in her line of sight. His tanned hands pulled her hair away from her dripping face and gathered it into a low braid he tied off with a hair tie he had magically pulled out of thin air, but she supposed she ought to stop being surprised he could do that. "He'll come round Kara. You just got to let him sort things out, it took him and Lee years to get to the point they both admitted they were wrong. And then they still weren't ready to talk about it. I don't think they would have had they not got thrown on the Galactica when the worlds ended together"

Noticing her expression hadn't changed he leaned forward to speak directly in her ear. "Hey." He said gently and pulled her into a tight hug. He left it loose enough she could get out but it still felt good to be pressed close to his body. She put her head on his shoulders like she used to. Zak gave the best hugs next to Helo, and Lee of course. Helo didn't hug very often, something about not being manly enough for him to do. Lee had hugged her on occasions but they had never been very long but they had been wonderful. She put her arms and hugged him back tight. He felt like safety, love and happiness. What might her life have been like with this man, even if the cylons had attacked they would have been happy before. Who knew, he might have even been called to the Galactica and she would have gone with him.

"You need to go talk to Lee." He said gently, "I know he is kicking himself he scared you and the longer you are in here the more freaked out he will get." He looked down at her, serious blue eyes watching her, the corners of his mouth starting to twitch up into a smile "It's not funny to freak Lee out this much. That much anyways. He needs to laugh sometimes."

Before she could answer him, she wasn't being hugged anymore and he had his hands on her waist. "Come on Kara, he isn't mad at you, he is mad at himself that he let this happen. He always takes on my way too much responsibility and guilt for one person to bear. He loves you and he can't bear the thought that he hurt you." She shook her head no, and he reached forward to cup the side of her face. "He's not good at letting people know he cares. But he does."

She reached forward and unslid the hatch's lock. And then she stopped, unsure if she could go any farther. "Come on Kara, you've got this. There is nothing to be scared of" Zak reminded her gently, encouraging her to take that step forward and talk to Lee.

Kara nodded trying to reassure herself to keep going. She slowly walked forward out of Zak's arms, threw open the hatch and stepped out. Maybe she still had Kara Thrace left in her after all.

* * *

><p><strong>Lee-<strong>

He sat on the couch, head in his hands, and besides the pain in a sensitive region of his body, wondered what the heck was wrong with him. You left them alone, and certainly did not touch them when they had a nightmare. He knew that, Cottle had told him that, and yet what had made him think he knew what was best?

Lee was forever doing that, once he was convinced he was right, it took ages to change his mind. It may take an order, or not. He had not believed what his father had done aboard Cloud Nine with the marines was right, so he had refused to do it, instead doing it his own way. That trait could either be admired or condemned. He was not a good little soldier, doing what he was told. In some ways, he thought privately, he was just as bad as Kara, but he also had learned to mask his feelings. Cover them up, and get it over with, whereas she had no problem voicing displeasure and acting on the slightest thing, or at least she had used to. He wasn't sure how much of her past behavior could be a frame of reference anymore.

The hatch creaked open, and Lee looked up. Water still hung in drops over her face, her hair was pulled back from her face into a braid, something he had never seen on her before, and the dark circles under her eyes indicated she had not slept very well. He still found her breath-taking. She was biting her lower lip, seeming torn on what do beyond this point. "I'm sorry I kicked you." She remarked soft, quiet and barely audible.

Lee got to his feet and took a few steps toward her and when she did not flinch he moved closer. He did not move to corner her, and still gave her plenty of space, an area of three feet between them. Her arms were down by her sides, and her fingers were playing with the other fingers, a tell he found when she was nervous. "There's no need to be sorry Kara." When she looked like she was about to open her mouth and disagree he pressed on "I should have known better to wake you up like that. It's natural you reacted the way you did."

"No, it isn't." Starbuck's defiance reared her head, though he was unsure if Kara could see it. He saw parts of her, pieces, of Kara, Starbuck, Captain Thrace, all wrapped up inside, but instead of the full persona coming out like it had used to, only pieces came. Starbuck's defiance accompanied with Kara's fears. A military strictness paired with a devil-may-care attitude. They were forever changing, and he never knew the new combination until Kara showed him. The personas that defined her had all become a giant mixed person showing themselves at different times. You could start a conversation with Captain Thrace, Starbuck half way through the conversation and end the conversation with Kara.

"Actually Kara, it is. You were having a dream, and when you woke up you thought you were still inside the dream, and lashed out to what was bothering you, in that case me." He hoped his explanation helped, he wasn't sure exactly how to phrase it.

A pair of gorgeous green eyes looked down at the floor and he asked "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No." was the quick and sure answer. Frack, why should she? The last time she had wanted to talk he told her to go away and to stop trying to burden him, it was no small wonder she didn't want to talk to him. But how did he go about telling her that he didn't mind if it meant she didn't get weighed down by her burdens anymore.

"Alright, so we can talk about what happens after we eat breakfast. I am going to go on shift in CIC, you can go to sickbay and visit with Kacey, or you can go somewhere else, but someone will have to be with you at all times." He saw her moving to object but told her what she wanted to know. "Cottle's orders, and his override mine as you know. You won't have to have a person hovering around Kacey though." he amended, trying to make it better, though that was because they were sure Kara would not do anything around the little girl. He knew Kara required freedom. She had always made it a point to be in control, at all times, and never let herself be controlled by another. He had no idea why, that was just the way she was. He had suspicions, but until he asked he would have no answers that their mothers were more similar then Lee had originally thought.

"We can eat lunch together with Kacey, then I have another shift to finish and then I will pick you up from wherever you choose to be in time for dinner. After that we can do whatever you want, we could go to the gym." Kara had not moved from her spot and it made him nervous. "Okay?" he asked, wanting to make sure he had not pushed her around too much.

"Okay." The word was covered in resignation, and bitterness at the fact Kara no longer controlled her own life. He knew it was needed because she had tried to kill herself, dang it it was SOP. But that didn't make it any better and Lee knew that. _It must be like being forced back in the prison _his mind gasped as it filled in the blanks._ Stuck to live with a man who loved you and every bit of your day planned out. _

"Can I get you anything Kara?" Lee asked, half hoping she would ask for something to do, or just say something, anything. But instead she shook her head and laid down on the couch, facing away from him. A clear sign, if any, of, 'Don't bother me'.

Lee did the only thing he could think of to do. He walked back into his room, pulled out a few extra blankets, grabbed a pillow from the bed, and went back into the office area. He made noise when he walked, letting Kara know he was there. She couldn't stop the flinch when he put the blankets over her body so she didn't get cold, and the only time he really touched her was when he gently lifted her head to put the pillow underneath it.

"I'll wake you up half and hour before we need to eat okay?" He asked, but he got no response, just a turned back. Lee ran his hands through his hair, which needed to be cut desperately or it would be against regs, and stepped into the bathroom. If it got this long it started to curl, which his mother and various women over the years had found adorable but he hated. Lee stretched his arms over his head, maybe a shower would relieve tension in shoulders, though he very much highly doubted it. Getting Kara to smile and laugh would do a lot more than any hot shower or massage would do for him. If he got to personally destroy the Leoben that had hurt her it would be even better. If all the cylons died horrible fiery final deaths it would help more just as well.

But this morning, a hot shower would simply just have to do. Maybe soon, but not today. At least not now. But he promised he would get revenge for her, no one deserved to go through that mind frack.

* * *

><p>Notes: I would like to really apologize for the delay, Life gets in the way a lot and I try to work when I can, but that isn't always that often. So thank you for having patience if you are still with me. We will get to see Kacey again next chapter, I promise and I hope you enjoy it. Updates should be coming up faster as Life has slowed down a bit.<p>

Cheers, the author


	10. Chapter 10

Note: First off, I am sorry it has taken so long between chapters. I have been extra busy with my stuff, and have had several family members going in and out of the hospital, which is always hard to write with. But they have been getting much better and have all been released =)

Secondly, Thank you for reading and for the lovely comments. You guys are great and I hope you continue to enjoy where this story goes. Because I have no clue ;-)

Chapter 10-

**Lee- **

It felt good to fully be showered, clean shaven and ready to go again. He could feel better again; some of the guilt that had surrounded him like a cloud from letting Kara sink that deep had gone away. There was hope for her yet, and he would make sure it happened. Or he would die trying, that was a resolute fact in his mind. Oh she was nowhere near out of the woods, and they had not even started to push some of her more sensitive issues, but for now, she was not trying to die, and she was breathing. That was what mattered at the moment. And some of the suffering that had plagued his soul eased with the fact. She was not in a comatose state in sickbay, she was sleeping on his couch, curled up under a blanket.

She was still curled up on the dark blue piece of furniture. Hair still braided but it was more messed up now. He couldn't help but to stop and stare a minute. She was Kara alright, broken, wild and beautiful Kara. She shifted uneasily, and he took note of the tense muscles, nothing relaxed about it like sleep should be. Sleep should be easy and a place to run away from real life. He made a mental note to discuss some kind of sleep aide with Cottle and looked at the time. He needed to wake her up.

Memories of what had happened earlier ran through his head, and he gently shook her on the shoulder. She stirred and turned back into her pillow. He suppressed a smile at remembering mornings of her doing the exact thing and him having to drag her to his morning briefing by her feet until she finally learned he wasn't going to put up with it. It was a happy memory, and he learned only recently that he could look back and not be blinded by sadness.

"Come on sleepy head, you are goi9ng to want a shower before breakfast because you won't get another until we are done at the gym." He finally pulled the blanket off and her green eyes flew open to fix him with a glare. He didn't have to know Kara as well as he did to know that somewhere in her mind, making exclusions for the old man, she was cursing him and his ancestry.

"Up and at 'em soldier. You have got places to be today." He said, cheerfully, things felt normal again, and it was starting to lull him into a false sense of security. If he tried hard enough he could pretend nothing had happened between them, they were still best friends dancing on the edge of something else. Sam and Dee who? He was the CAG and she was his hotshot problem pilot who occupied his fantasies at night. There were no cylon torturers who had made Kara's life an upside down nightmare and filled him with rage,

"Fine." Kara sat up and rubbed her eyes. She still looked really tired, bags under her eyes and her shoulders slumped with her eyes squinting at him half asleep. No she was definitely not sleeping well at all. "what's your problem?" She snapped, obviously angry at getting the once over. He took a step back and turned away. She just needed some space Lee, she was used to being on her own, having someone there had to be unsettling right?

Out of the corner of his eye he saw her bury her head in her knees. "Look, why don't you go take a shower? I'm sure you will feel better." He tried to reassure her, but it didn't seem to be working. She just sat there for a few more moments. He almost started to repeat himself before her legs swung out and she disappeared to the bedroom to grab her clothes.

"Whatever." was her parting word as she stalked off unhappily.

Yes, Kara was displeased and willing to share the misery. She never had been a morning person. But he still couldn't understand what she was angry about and what he had done wrong. But at least she felt something, and that was better than the person who spoke to him from the journal, a flat and empty feeling person, who slowly convinced themselves they had nothing to live for and everyone around them kept giving her reasons she was right.

**Kara-**

She was still yawning as she thumbed through her clothes, trying to decide what was okay to wear. The Officer blues were obviously a no, because she wasn't an officer. Officers didn't try to kill themselves, and she would be fooling no one if she wore them. Besides, they wore them when doing their job, and the last thing she needed was some confused nugget asking her about things. Because chances were, she wouldn't know what they were talking about, it had been that long. And that would be extremely embarrassing, not only for her but to him to. Why ask her, she doesn't know anything and can't hack it.

Finally she just grabbed her double tanks along with a pair of pants and slammed the locker door shut more forcefully then she had intended too. As predictable, Lee called in asking of things were okay. She should have known she would have had to ask her jailer if it was okay she slam her door. Well Gods no they weren't okay. She couldn't do anything.

She walked out of the room, and not meting his concerned look muttered an "I'm fine" he was suffocating her. 'Do you need this?' Do you need that?' This is what we are doing today.' maybe it was better when he hadn't paid her any attention, just pretended she didn't exist, at least she had control over her own choices.

Control and Kara Thrace went hand in hand. You didn't get one without the other. She needed it, just like she needed to fly, feel the deck beneath her soles while running and she needed to breathe. It was who she was. And now that control, such as deciding what she was going to do with her free time had been taken away from her. She had no control anymore, no free choices. Only choices he gave to her, but either way she was under his lock and key. It was just like that rock all over again. Only her prison guard was someone she had always assumed would never break her wings.

"Is there something else you would rather do instead?" He asked, trying to gain his footing again. She knew he was lost, and that he didn't want to deal with her. He was a tired, over-worked Commander of one of the two last operating Battlestars in mankind's history and represented a half of the only means of defense the rag-tag fleet had against cylons like Leoben. Why would anyone want to deal with her? No one wanted to deal with her on a good day.

But she just shook her head and laced up her boots. Her fingers moving on automatic just the way her drill sergeant at Basic had liked. Maybe it was good getting to see Kacey. She had to softly smile whenever the little girl crossed her mind, she was loved, even if children were indiscriminate in who they chose to spend that affection on.

A hand knocks on the hatch which to Lee calls "Come in." She glances up briefly to see some kid, who probably didn't even shave yet, walk in holding what was apparently going to be breakfast. She dropped her line of sight back to her boots when he noticed her looking. He however, continued to stare at her, and the feel of it felt a lot like shame spreading over her skin. They thought she was weak, a waste of space, using their Commander. She was sure of it, this was so far beyond appropriate and if Lee had been anything but a Commander never allowed. Rank allowed you to do whatever you wanted and get away with it, the Major on the Triton drove that lesson into her painfully enough.

"Thank you." Lee remarked, distracted, leafing through a stack of reports that had come in with their breakfast his brow wrinkling as he read through them, skimming the important ones and reading only the important words. "You're dismissed now." When the kid took a few seconds to stop staring at her and salute, Lee watched him with blue eyes until he was gone and the door hatch clicked close signalling his dismissal.

"Sorry, he's never seen anyone else in here." Lee tried to clarify but she knew the real reason the nugget was staring at her. They both did, and Lee knew besides, what about Dee? When had she left the picture? _Not that you're sad to see her go are you Kara? _

"Never?" She asked curious, willing to go along with Lee's misdirection for the stare. They would just shove everything under the rug and dress it up as something else and ignore it. Just like they always did. Well what else was new between them? They had always done that, hiding important stuff, how they felt and why they lashed out and pretended it was all okay. Let the lie keep on going for a while longer. Not even pushing for the other to give up the truth they hid with their lie, even though they both knew it. But saying it out loud would make it real, and neither of them knew if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

"Nope never." Lee said between mouthfuls of whatever was in the bowl. She didn't remember the food being so unappetizing looking. "Come on eat. If you eat fast you can't taste it." He cajoled, though he should know that didn't work. The Kara he used to know did nothing anyone told her to. But maybe the new one did, and had no strength against bright blue eyes that she adored. Maybe it was just easier to do whatever he told her to, trying to make her own choices certainly didn't work.

She reluctantly accepted the bowl from him, and gagged at the taste. If this was what passed for food, then she would be more than happy to cart an IV pole around with her, thank you very much.

"Sorry, algae tastes icky. But when they aren't any other options it isn't bad." Lee shrugged, explaining. She glared at him and forced herself to eat it. She tried not to spit back out, it tasted positively foul and she grimaced the entire time, which Lee was sure to find amusing.

She heard a laugh from the other side of the room, and knew instinctively it was Zak. "Just wait till lunch." He snickered, finding the entire scene funny. It was a pity Lee was around. She couldn't go hit him without seeming like a bigger nutcase. She was losing it, Zak was dead. She saw his plane crash, she watched his body lowered into the ground. she watched the dirt be piled back on it. He was gone, there was no getting around that.

"We'd better go." Lee remarked, looking at the clock.

It was funny how he did that. Always so punctual, yet, he made sure he left enough room in their plans so that she could whine and drag her feet, or make a coffee stop along the way. He was funny like that. It made her feel guilty, he was accommodating for her, here she was again, forcing everything to be about her. And only Lee got hurt because of it, she was often too selfish for her own needs she neglected others, ending up pushing them away where they couldn't be hurt by their faults.

"Are you going to eat anymore?" Intense blue eyes studied her, making her flush slightly. She wasn't hungry, didn't want to eat. Food went to someone who wanted to live, not the other way around.

Lee looked upset, his lips formed into a tight line, the brow between his eyes crinkling a little bit. It was hard for him to not intervene and say something. But for once, he let it drop. She was grateful for the fact, the last thing she wanted right now was to eat.

"Let's just go see Kacey." He recommended and she nodded along. Not like she had a choice. She could sit here and rot or sit by a hospital bed and rot. Either way she was shoved out of the way and classified as taken care of.

Lee liked puzzles and fixing things. She knew that well enough. There was a problem? Solve it. Thing was broken? Fix it. End of story, thank you very much. Something logical had always appealed to his brain and things made sense to him in a way things never made sense to her. She was just another thing he needed to 'fix.' Kara didn't think she had the heart to tell him he couldn't fix her, some of the pieces were missing, snuffed out and turned to ash, or pocketed carefully by a cylon.

No, it was better for now Lee didn't think things were quite so broken.

**Lee-**

Kara had always been a good eater. She made as much of a fuss as the next person when it didn't taste good, was cold or just plain icky, but at the end of the day she ate every bite of it. It bothered him she wouldn't eat.

_Or maybe you are just making a mountain out of a molehill like always. _His inner monologue chided him. He just had to wait and see what happened and whether her eating pattern changed or not. It was only the first meal after all. Nothing to get too over-excited about. If she didn't eat lunch, he would have to say something to her. That was the bets course of action. Maybe she simply wasn't hungry.

She looked bothered, staring at her hands just sitting there. It was as though she was trying to melt into the chair and become one with the furnishings. She was avoiding him, never looking at him, always around or at the floor, but he caught her studying him before she glanced away from his notice.

He hated this. The gap between them. They had once been so close and then he went and frakked it up. Yelling at her, he never should have done that. He saw she was hurting, he knew she was hurting. He was just as bad as Leoben for letting her feel pain and not stopping it. He hurt and abused her trust in him and her faith in him as her wingman just as much. And now he had to pay for that, the only thing that would prove he was successful was when she was better. When she was Kara Thrace again. When she wasn't afraid to get in her plane and shot cylons out of the sky. When she didn't have to sleep with the light on and have horrible nightmares.

"You ready to go now?" Lee asked, putting the question out there. She nodded mutely and rose to her feet.

The walk to sickbay was awkward. People were people and well, they stared. At her. Openly. Without tact, without even trying to hide it. It made him angry, didn't they realize they were just providing her with excuses to go hide up in his room and not come out? The last thing he needed was for her to feel publicly humiliated, and the stares weren't helping her any. She already was reeking of shame from him taking care of her, this just hurt.

So when a group of nuggets who had never met the legend of Starbuck were openly staring, Lee took the offensive without even thinking. "Go scrub the deck until you can stare dumbstruck at yourself." When the nugget blinked in non-understanding Lee added the simple "It's rude." And continued on, leaving a nugget in his wake.

Lee didn't actually care if he did it or not, though if he did that would be amusing. Laird would probably find it funny, as would half the deck crew. They always kept the floor as clean as possible, no need to get careless just because of supplies. It was never waxed again, no that was too precious a resource. But mopping it again and again was not unheard of under Cain and anyone who needed a little humbling.

A strong hand grabbed his arm and pulled him down into a storage locker, snapping the door shut and glaring at him with a pair of glittering green eyes. "I can take care of myself Lee." She ground out, the pale shadows making her look frightening and every inch of Starbuck personified into an image. Starbuck was a huntress, a gorgeous figure, every inch a personal temptation and defiance of his will. Kara was the most beautiful form she had, but he had only seen her Kara once. The hard muscles of Starbuck as Kara were loose and relaxed, hair down and wavy, the smirk a soft shy smile.

"I know you can." Lee mumbled, shoving the thoughts of it out of his mind. All he got in response was a glare. "I can't help it, I just want to protect you damnnit! What is wrong with that?" He snapped back, anger bouncing around inside. Anger he didn't know he had. He shouldn't direct it at her, but he was fed up. He knew it was his fault, and he had been trying hard to fix things.

"I don't need you to protect me!" Was the ever predictable response.

"Yes you do! I have to stop you form self-destructing."

"Fine job of that you did last time" she snarled and Lee flinched, and she has hit her mark. There. She said it out loud and to his face. What everyone was thinking. He screwed up. He was the reason she had tried to kill herself, and that was that. It was literally just that simple.

"Which is why I am not making any mistakes this time." And she almost took a step back. Lee rarely pushed back at her, but when he did he always seemed to cross some personal line that shouldn't be crossed.

_What have I done now _He wanted to yell scream and stomp his feet. Whatever he tried doing, he just made things worse. He wasn't helping her; he was simply hurting her more than anyone ever should. And it burned, he could run a ship, run one of humanities last defenses with an uncanny machine-like proficiency, but he could not save this woman from imploding time and time again no matter what he did.

She was staring at him crossing her arms, glaring at him. "Fine let's just go." he muttered defeated, he yanked the hatch open. Never could win could he?

**Kara-**

She had wanted to get back to Kacey for some time now, but now that she was here in sick bay, the former pilot was unsure with what she ought to do with herself. Kacey was still sleeping peacefully, the bandages a cold reminder that no matter what she tried to do, some memories stuck with you.

Kara could remember sitting in a bed like that, all bandaged up, with no one there to sit with her, no one to bring her any flowers, or a stuffed teddy bear, or just come and joke around with her. Not like the other kids got. She already regretted Lee talking her into staying with him last night, she should have been here with Kacey. Places like this were scary to a small child.

"It's okay Kara." Zak said comforting, hands on her shoulders and standing close enough behind her she could feel the heat radiating off him. Why was he so alive, why was Kacey here, why was she still breathing? Nothing made sense to her, least of all Lee who she had never really understood anyways. Nothing had ever made sense, and she had trusted that the Gods had a plan for her.

Settling down in the chair besides the bed, Kara let herself drift off a few moments before she realized a pair of bright blue eyes were regarding her intently. Kara couldn't help but smile softly, Kacey was innocent, too young to understand what happened to her in her short life.

"You awake Kace?" A nod. "You hungry?" Another nod. "Alright, I'll get you some food, okay? Just stay here while I go get you a nurse real fast."

Zak watched approving from his corner while Kara walked off to get the nurse. His blue eyes gave out comfort, just his nearby presence soothed her nerves, and anxieties. The nurse gave her some algae, which really did seem to be the only food they had, and without another word Kara carried it back to Kacey, who made as big a face as Kara had.

"I know its icky." Kara soothed, watching the girl eat. Kacey was too skinny for her age, Kara could see that. She was much skinner than the other kids she remembered from the camps. But then again, she hadn't been to the camps for a while so what did she know? No kid should be that skinny.

Sitting on the edge of the hospital bed, watching Kacey eat, she felt okay. Not feeling anything at all, numbed out, the extremes she had been pushed at balanced each other until nothing was felt. The blankness, it overwhelmed her feelings. Laying down next to the little girl eating, Kara just watched and breathed. This little girl was all she had left now, and she needed to make sure she was okay. She had failed last time, and Kacey deserved much better, but until Kace got much better, Kara would have to watch out for her.


End file.
